Ever the runner-up to Deepak Chopra, Guru Pitka is a self-help mogul with origins in Mike Myers’s now tired vision of the groovy ’60s. Pitka’s semi-charmed life changes when the Toronto Maple Leafs’ GM (Jessica Alba!) summons him to heal the romantic woes of the team’s star player (Romany Malco). As in the Austin Powers franchise, the other characters are bowling pins to be knocked over by Myers’ rolling wit — which has been dulled by years of inactivity and Shrek voiceovers. A handful of Bollywood musical numbers find their mark, but the rest of this vanity project directed by Marco Schnabel is derivative, crass, and boring. As for any hope that Canadian in-jokes will soothe the pain: no way, eh. Even if the script plays as wish fulfillment for hapless Leaf fans, a Québecois goalie (Justin Timberlake!) who says “Tabernacle!” and adores Celine Dion is not funny. Besides, who wants to watch a hockey movie in the summer? 89 minutes | Boston Common + Fenway + Fresh Pond + Circle + Suburbs
