I've always been a hit with the ladies because of the legendary breadth of, among other things, my knowledge of pop music. Today, a friend of mine offered a suggestion: I should make a ton of money by compiling and selling the most foolproof ladykiller of a romantic mixtape ever conceived. "But I'm not in it for the money," I harrumphed. "I will compile this mixtape and offer its blueprint free of charge to my lonely, desperate readers." So, here it is — guaranteed to woo all but the clammiest of ladies.
Please note: though I have great respect for my female readers for their many social accomplishments or whatever, this tape is intended for use by dudes, on ladies.
BOOKER T. & THE MG'S, "TIME IS TIGHT" | This choice instrumental cut by organist Booker T. Jones and his mighty MG's (Martian Gods) begins the proceedings with class and sophistication, conjuring images in the lady's mind of you, in a Hefner-esque silk smoking jacket, reclining in an Eames lounger in a tasteful, masculine den. It also subconsciously inserts the word "organ" into her mental areas.
THE BYRDS, "HAVE YOUR SEEN HER FACE" | Every woman loves to have her face noted and confirmed. "My face!" she'll swoon. "He noticed!" It's a sweet song, and vague enough to work for anyone — the only feature it's specific about is eyes, so it's fine as long as the lady you're after isn't eyeless — and in that case, buddy, you could probably do better. (Please don't read that aloud to any eyeless girls — I don't want to upset them any further.)
PETER CETERA, "THE GLORY OF LOVE" | Not only will it make you out to be a chivalrous hero ("I am a man who will fight for your honor/I'll be the hero you're dreaming of"), it'll also have her conflating you with all her fond Karate Kid: Part II associations.
QUEEN, "PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE" | Peter Cetera is a little wishy-washy, so it's time to get more forceful with the masculine assertions: "I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings/I have no rival, no man can be my equal." Be warned, though, that this one may cause her to project all her negative Highlander experiences on you.
BOBBY "BORIS" PICKETT, "THE MONSTER MASH" | It's the audio equivalent of taking her to a horror movie — she'll be terrified by the chilling account of an undead shindig, and she'll surely desire your comforting arms . . . And now, it's time to spice things up a little . . .
H-TOWN, "KNOCKIN' DA BOOTS" | "What does 'knockin' da boots' really mean?" an interviewer asks at the start of the video for this classic slow jam. "Well," replies producer Luther Campbell, "knockin' da boots actually means two boots coming together, making tasteful lust." If you don't get what's going on here, ask an adult to explain.
COLOR ME BADD, "I WANNA SEX U UP" | Just in case she didn't get the picture with the last one, couched as it was in all those difficult boot metaphors . . .
Z-RO, "THE MULE" | This is a pretty straightforward addition: "Going too deep when I be diggin' up in 'em/Bumping up against they kidneys when I stick 'em/(Cause I hit 'em with the mule)." If you're worried about overstating your endowment and risking ridicule when the time comes for whoopee, have no fear: if a look of disappointment darkens her countenance, just tell her the song was about an actual mule.
GARY JULES, "MAD WORLD" | This one is a trap — if she doesn't ask, "Why the hell did you put that heinous, half-cocked, milquetoast garbage on my mixtape?", she's just not worth it.
THE BEATLES, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" | Anyone familiar with the art of crafting a romantic mixtape knows about the "stinger," which is the song you put at the end of the mix to suggest (only as a joke, of course) that you'll kill her if she even thinks about two-timing you. "Hey Joe" works too, but I prefer to end on a poppier note.
DAVID THORPE | email@example.com