The Phoenix Network:
 
 
 
About  |  Advertise
Adult  |  Moonsigns  |  Band Guide  |  Blogs  |  In Pictures
 
CD Reviews  |  Classical  |  Live Reviews  |  Music Features

The Big Hurt: Think of England

‘Who Charted?’: The UK edition
By DAVID THORPE  |  October 6, 2009

0910_bighurt-Main
Although we like to think of ourselves as having an ironclad hegemony over the pop of the Western world, those plucky Brits like to rise from their misty bog and tweak our nipples with a pond-crossing chart smash once in a while. And though the rate of barn-burning British exports has slowed in recent years, I’m sure they still have a surprise or two for us. Could the next Beatles be lurking in the UK charts at this very moment, just waiting to conquer America? No!

Still, let’s see what’s up in the Official UK Charts Company singles chart this week. I’ll skip all the non-British stuff, just to heighten the concentrated UK-ness:

TAIO CRUZ | “BREAK YOUR HEART” | Gently Auto-Tuned, skittishly synthed, and totally lacking in substance — just the sort of thing that might hit big in America, except that we’ve already got 50 of them. Taio boasts of being a rakish piece of shit: “If you fall for me/I’m not easy to please/I’ma tear you apart/Told you from the start, I’m only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.” The profligate premise might have been cocky enough to hold your attention for a minute, but the whole thing is dragged down by a pitifully unambitious tune — it’s not quite intellectually nourishing enough to make a great ringtone, but it might work as something a little less weighty, like a doorbell, or an end-cycle buzz on a dryer.

PIXIE LOTT | “BOYS & GIRLS” | This one starts off with some promise, as clattering drums and ’80s horn stabs make you think you’ve stumbled into a genuine production, but then darling 18-year-old Pixie steps to the mic with a voice as tangy and distinctive as a well-refrigerated slab of Velveeta. Yes, her workmanlike vocals do as much as the tune requires, and she treads water through a noticeable chord change or two. But just when you’re thinking the thing might spring into a huge hook, it retreats into a dismal chant of a chorus and you have to stop dancing and walk off the blue balls.

DIZZEE RASCAL | “HOLIDAY” | I remember this s’posed-to-have-been as having been good a few years back, if you’ll forgive my tortured verbs, so it pains me to hear him rapping a boring-ass vacation invite to no lady in particular. Even if he were one-on-one inviting me to go on a tropical vacation with him, this shit wouldn’t hold my interest — it’s like Ludacris with all the sex and the jokes taken out. I’ll give “Holiday” this, though: it sounds like a great backing track for a video with lots of girls in it. The end spirals into bizarre Italo-disco, too, and that at least puts a little bump on an otherwise featureless topographical map.

MINI VIVA | “LEFT MY HEART IN TOKYO” | Know what I love about the English language? When words like “harebrained” exist, you don’t even have to write reviews of this kind of shit. Your work is already done.

1  |  2  |   next >
Related: Not so elementary, Dizzee Rascal, The Big Hurt: Devil music, More more >
  Topics: Music Features , Entertainment, Music, United Kingdom,  More more >
  • Share:
  • Share this entry with Facebook
  • Share this entry with Digg
  • Share this entry with Delicious
  • RSS feed
  • Email this article to a friend
  • Print this article
Comments

[ 10/12 ]   "Folk Open Mic"  @ Center for Arts In Natick
[ 10/12 ]   "Karaoke Night"  @ Stadium
[ 10/12 ]   "Night of the Living Deadhead"  @ Zuzu
[ 10/12 ]   "Revival"  @ Middlesex Lounge
[ 10/12 ]   "Cabana Mondays"  @ Felt
--> -->
ARTICLES BY DAVID THORPE
Share this entry with Delicious
  •   THE BIG HURT: THINK OF ENGLAND  |  October 06, 2009
    Although we like to think of ourselves as having an ironclad hegemony over the pop of the Western world, those plucky Brits like to rise from their misty bog and tweak our nipples with a pond-crossing chart smash once in a while.
  •   THE BIG HURT: SEASON'S BLEATINGS  |  September 28, 2009
    One of the great things about being in the music industry is that you get to change your name. So why are we hearing records from a guy named Landon Pigg?
  •   THE BIGMOUTH STRIKES AGAIN  |  September 22, 2009
    Given all the conflicting emotions, it was tough to form an opinion on Kanye West's VMA bum rush against Taylor Swift.
  •   THE BIG HURT: ATTENTION WHORING AND HEADLINE PARSING  |  September 15, 2009
    Slow news week.
  •   THE BIG HURT: DON'T LOOK BACK IN ANGER  |  September 08, 2009
    "You don't know what you've got till it's gone," Janet Jackson once famously sampled, and how true it is. Only now that Noel Gallagher has left in a firestorm of brotherly acrimony can I truly take stock of my feelings toward Oasis.

 See all articles by: DAVID THORPE

MOST POPULAR
RSS Feed of for the most popular articles
 Most Viewed   Most Emailed 



  |  Sign In  |  Register
 
thePhoenix.com:
Phoenix Media/Communications Group:
TODAY'S FEATURED ADVERTISERS
Copyright © 2009 The Phoenix Media/Communications Group