[1] An MBTA Red Line station without a broken escalator.
[2] Someone in the White House who at least pretends we’re still looking for Osama.
[3] Happy hour in Massachusetts.
[4] Dave Chapelle comes back for real. None of this four-episodes-before-a-breakdown crap.
[5] State-sanctioned lap dances.
[6] Early-April X-rays of Johnny Damon’s torn anterior cruciate ligament.
[7] A Red Sox World Series win. (Yeah, another one.)
[8] The year’s feel-good Broadway smash: Stop Snitchin’, featuring a rousing dance number with Tangg da Juice and Boston mayor Thomas M. Menino (played to perfection by Nathan Lane).
[9] Locally owned businesses return to all the vacant storefronts in Harvard Square.
[10] Jennifer Aniston tells People that Brad Pitt has a little penis.
[11] A breakthrough Western combining the campfire scenes in Brokeback Mountain and Blazing Saddles.
[12] The nation’s first double impeachment: president and vice-president.
[13] The long-awaited Sopranos season opens with Tony’s crew in a bloody Brooklyn shootout with the posse from Entourage; Ari Gold survives to become the new head of the family.
[14] Saddam Hussein’s first trial is decided by a Fear Factor challenge. See Saddam play pig-uterus skeeball and rectum-eating games to beat the charges!
[15] Mayor Menino says, “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. Nobody else is to blame.”
[16] State-mandated programs allow people to exchange porn in the workplace.
[17] Mr. Butch is hired as head concierge at the Hotel Commonwealth in an effort to bring back the old Kenmore.
[18] The decriminalization of marijuana.
[19] A law requires every American worker to take the same amount of vacation time as the president.
[20] No more compound-word band names (i.e., Coldplay, Yellowcard, Nickelback), unless you’re Deerhoof.
[21] No more “Wolf” bands. AIDS Wolf, We are Wolves, Guitar Wolf, Wolf Parade, Wolf Colonel, Howlin’ Wolf, and Wolf Eyes is enough predatory-canine-name appropriation, thanks.
[22] The Boston Homicide Squad boosts its murder-clearance rate above 50 percent.
[23] Ann Coulter shuts up. And she eats something. Maybe if she were chewing she would stop talking.
[24] Boston becomes friendlier.
[25] And more affordable.
[26] And hipper. (Yeah, we know it’s a dream.)
[27] The MBTA B Line suspends service between Blandford Street and Packard’s Corner. You can walk.
[28] The real Jessica Simpson/Bam Margera video.
[29] The Combat Zone is resuscitated. Don’t you miss a little XXX on your lunch break?
[30] “Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 57)”: Rufus, Bill O’Reilly, and a loofa.
[31] Karl Rove: indicted.
[32] Dick Cheney: indicted.
[33] US withdrawal from Iraq.
[34] Followed by a successful independent government operating in Iraq.
[35] Having withdrawn from Iraq — and with John McCain now serving as vice-president — President Bush re-funds the National Endowment of the Arts, beginning with a $500 million grant for an arts/cultural center at Ground Zero.
[36] Arnold Schwarzenegger is recalled as governor of California and replaced by Mr. T.
[37] A bird-flu vaccine.
[38] But only after President Bush becomes the only American to contract bird flu.
[39] The return of ManRay.
[40] Pat O’Brien makes a comeback. A so-fucking-hot comeback. A comeback to make you wanna hire a hooker, get crazy, get some coke.
[41] City-wide Wi-Fi.
[42] Karl Rove’s horns ... and his tail.
[43] The Celtics get Kevin Garnett.
[44] The Bruins get a clue.
[45] No more condo developments or luxury high-rises that suck out Boston’s soul.
[46] The American Family Association chairman knocks up a prostitute and gets caught taking her to the abortion clinic.
[47] Another member of the AFA is caught mounting a deer — we’re not talking on his wall — during hunting season.
[48] Bill Gates discovers Bono is an iPod pitchman and ceases all African charity work with his Time–cover co-star.
[49] A serious attempt is made to help people with substance-abuse and mental-health problems in Massachusetts.
[50] More local weathermen find clever ways to use the word “poontang” in their forecasts.
[51] Sam Yoon loosens his tie and gets jiggy on his first official day as Boston city councilor.
[52] Lieutenant Governor Kerry Murphy Healey says publicly that it’s inappropriate and offensive for the state’s sitting governor publicly to badmouth Massachusetts.
[53] The Metro retires the phrase, “According to Google...” Make a phone call, for fuck’s sake. Your staffers have to write only 20 words a day.
[54] The first of (what we imagine will be) many years of indictments involving corruption on the Big Dig. Let the trials begin!
[55] The Big Dig’s completion — or at least the ability to take the same route twice in a row to our friends’ house in East Boston.
[56] More women professors hired and tenured at local colleges and universities.
[57] Kevin Millar: Red Sox first-base coach.
[58] Weezer’s reclusive frontman Rivers Cuomo ends his two-and-a-half-year self-imposed “celibacy.” With your mama.
[59] Davis Square’s Sligo Pub is declared a national landmark.
[60] An Oscar-winning Ben Affleck movie.
[61] Darkbuster dude Lenny Lashley’s fingers grow back.
[62] Mitt Romney admits he’s made of wax.
[63] And wears a toupee.
[64] Dick Cheney admits he’s dickless.
[65] And a bed wetter.
[66] With three nipples.
[67] MBTA Night Owl service is restored.
