The Horror Fiend
Everyone knows at least one Horror Fiend. He's easy to spot: dressed in jeans and a worn T-shirt from some obscure scary movie and sporting a kick-ass tattoo of Freddy battling Pinhead on his forearm. He tries to bait you into arguments about which Jason is the scariest — the one from Part 2 or Part 4? (The answer: Part 2.) Unfortunately for the Fiend, you just don't care. Sure, maybe you liked Paranormal Activity and The Ring, but when he brings up Cannibal Ferox and Slime City, you have no idea what he's talking about. The prospect of buying a gift for this person is a daunting task.
So how do you shop for someone who prefers splatter in their eggnog? Here are some helpful tips:
-Avoid expensive jewelry. Exception: anything used by H.P. Lovecraft to bring ancient demons in to our dimension.
-Anything autographed by someone who killed/was killed in a horror film = good.
-If the item in question is so gory that it makes you want to hurl, it's perfect.
CHEAP
A VERY ZOMBIE CHRISTMAS COMIC BOOK I $3.50 | Every Horror Fiend has wondered what Christmas would be like in a world overrun by the undead, and A Very Zombie Christmas is a great way for him to find out. He can spend the holidays the post-apocalyptic way: boarding up the windows, dimming the lights, gassing up the chainsaw, and cuddling up with this cheery holiday yarn. Why Christmas zombies? Hey, just because you die, come back to life, and wander the globe for eternity doesn't mean you can't celebrate Jesus's birthday. This comic delivers three terrifying tales to fill his heart with yuletide fear.
houseofmysterioussecrets.com.KINDA FANCY
CUSTOM HORROR T-SHIRT | $19.95 | Sure, you could buy the Horror Fiend a T-shirt with a plain old scary movie poster silkscreened onto it. But what's the fun in that? He needs something original! Fright Rags goes the extra mile, offering up tees custom-designed with scenes ripped straight from his favorite macabre films. He'll love a shirt with Creepshow's "I've got my cake!" ghoul, or Zombie's splinter-through-the-eyeball scene. And don't forget Aylmer, the adorable cerebrum-munching critter from Brain Damage. One of these babies will have him impressing his friends and grossing out his enemies all year long.
fright-rags.com.DELUXE
EXORCIST GIRL TALKING HEAD PUPPET I $79.99 | This little beaut — which includes a demonic voice module — should provide hours of holiday fun for the Horror Fiend. He can take Exorcist Girl caroling or dress her like Santa to freak out his 10-year-old cousin. And, of course, the Fiend will inevitably attempt his own morbid take on "Dick in a Box": "Creepy Possessed Severed Head Attached to My Arm in a Box." Which goes a little something like this: 1. He entreats his girlfriend to open the "gift." 2. She finds a shrieking, Latin-gibbering manifestation of Satan. 3. If she doesn't projectile-vomit or slap him in the face, he's found his soul mate. Behold the magic of the season!
thehorrordome.com.
RIDICULOUS
VICTOR CROWLEY FIGURINE | $1600 | Hatchet is a great movie. I love it. You love it. But the Horror Fiend really loves it, and only one gift will suffice: a hyper-detailed 1/4-scale sculpture of the Hatchet killer himself, Victor Crowley. Sure, it costs a small fortune, but this meticulously made, impeccably accurate masterpiece is worth every penny. This baby took roughly 270 hours to create, and it shows: from each deformed bump on Victor's forehead to the Dickies logo stamped on the buttons of his hand-stitched denim overalls. Looks like the Fiend will have to put his autographed Necronomicon in storage to make room in his trophy case — Crowley's going to be the new prized possession of his collection.
horroridols.com.
— Michael Neel
