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The Big Hurt: Bieber dolls are coming!

The week in inessential press releases
By DAVID THORPE  |  October 12, 2010

There's nothing strange about making dolls of our virginal alabaster princeling, except maybe that it hasn't been done already. The real kick of the following press release comes from the writing, which is all razzle-dazzle and stylistic showboatsmanship. Check the first paragraph:

"Justin Bieber Dolls and Toys Coming to Retailers This Fall"
Bravado, the world's leading global music merchandising company, and The Bridge Direct, Inc., a global children's consumer products sourcing and supply chain management company led by toy industry veteran Jay Foreman, announced today that they have entered into a partnership to launch an exclusive line of collectible dolls, singing dolls, toys and plush based on the music, concerts and personal style of the critically-acclaimed, chart-topping recording artist, songwriter and teenage superstar, Justin Bieber.

See that? All one sentence. One take, no cuts. Masterful — it's like the tracking shot at the start of Touch of Evil. Plus, they dunked Bieber's name so deep in the lead, you can almost feel the backboard shattering. I'm not sure why they did that, but the sentence is so fiendishly tortured, you have to assume it's a masterstroke of the craft. And take a look at these two back-to-back sentences, which reciprocate each other almost erotically:

"We are delighted to be working with Jay and his team at The Bridge Direct," stated Tom Bennett, Chief Executive Officer of Bravado.


"We're thrilled to be working with Bravado to create authentic products that Justin's millions of fans will surely love," said Jay Foreman, President and CEO of The Bridge.

Five stars. Release of the week.

"Five Dad Bands Chosen To Rock the State Fair of Texas"
Maybe I'm just coasting on a word high from all the poetical chessboxing of the Bieber release, but I am truly electrified by that headline. "Dad Bands" is an exciting enough concept in itself, but when you add "State Fair" to the mix, you've really got something cooking.

Chevrolet went looking for the best Dad Band in Texas. A Dad Band, as you might imagine, is a band made of dads. And Chevy's online search turned up a few great ones:

From grunge, heavy metal, Texas twang, smooth R&B, pure country, to cool indie tunes, the response to the Chevy Texas Dad Bands contest proves that Lone Star State dads know how to rock out in every genre.

The finalists have been announced, and boy howdy do these dads rock diversely indeed. Bad Rodeo are listed as "Texas Country Rockin' Blues." Driver are called "alt-country/rock." The Krayolas are dubbed "The 'Tex-Mex' Beatles." The Marfalites bring something a little more avant-garde to the mix with their "unique mix of country and rockabilly."

The real test of Dad Band mettle is the State Fair of Texas Dad Bands Showdown, which will be judged by an all-star panel of luminaries to include "99.5 The Wolf on-air personality Ryan Fox, State Fair of Texas director of food service Carey Risinger, and Jerry's Chevrolet general manager Andrew Anderson."

The victorious Dad Band will be rewarded handsomely, with . . . uh, the press release forgot to say. But I checked around on the web, and it turns out to be a handsome prize package with an approximate retail value of $2180-$3900.

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  Topics: Music Features , Music, Texas, music news,  More more >
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