Due to my strange publishing schedule, I'm writing this on November 5, the day before Mitt Romney will be elected to our highest office. I'm not at all worried about jinxing him, since he's a total lock and absolutely nothing could go wrong. I'm so confident in Romney's victory that I'm not even going to vote for him; in fact, I'm going to call all of my friends who live in swing states and tell them not to vote for him, either. If Romney somehow hasn't prevailed by the time this is printed, I defy God to strike me down in the most gruesome and tortuous manner possible. Furthermore, I hereby declare that it's totally permissible for you, loyal reader, to personally murder me, with no legal repercussions. I'm absolutely not going to knock on wood here, because I know I'm right.[Editor: please omit preceding paragraph if Romney doesn't win. Also omit this sentence, just to cover your tracks.]
But yeah — here in the hazy netherworld of the uncertain past, America is yet unsure who will lead her. Where I sit, everyone is still whipping themselves into a full tizzy over every last tidbit of meaningless statistical jetsam. If you think I'm even talking about CNN's obsessive interrogation of mythical "undecideds" or all the wild-eyed Nate Silver circlejerking, you're giving one week ago way too much credit: it really sucks back here. For example, I just read an important piece of opinion research from The Hollywood Reporter concerning Katy Perry's endorsement of Barack Obama:
"Likely voters under 35 find Katy Perry eight times more credible as a political spokesperson than older voters do, an Oct. 29 poll by Penn Schoen Berland for The Hollywood Reporter reveals."
Not only do I not find this information patently obvious and unfathomably useless — remember, I'm reading this a week ago, when serious journalists like me were still waiting by the red telephone to see who Lemmy from Motörhead would endorse — I'm eager for a more detailed breakdown!
"Most young voters polled — 65 percent of those were under 35 —- think Perry helps the cause she supports versus only 53 percent of over-35 voters. 'Sixteen percent of under-35 voters said Katy Perry is credible or trustworthy when expressing political views,' said THR pollster Jon Penn. 'Only 2 percent of over-44 voters find her credible. That's a huge difference.' "
But why? What on earth could account for the buxom-celebrity credibility gap between voters in one demographic and voters completely outside that demographic? How in the world could a superstar like Katy Perry fail to change the voting habits of the elderly? My mind reels, but THR provides expert speculation:
"Older voters may think Perry is discredited by her sexualized look and hit tune 'Last Friday Night,' about alcoholic blackouts, ménage à trois, and disgraceful pictures posted on the Internet. But Perry makes younger voters listen up."
This explanation isn't entirely convincing, since it poses a sexist double standard — older voters certainly weren't put off by Meat Loaf's "sexualized look" when he honked "America the Beautiful" to a titillated crowd. Regardless, I'd like to thank The Hollywood Reporter for its important Hollywood reporting; as an incredible idiot, I find that this gives me a more nuanced understanding of our difficult one-week-ago political climate.
