Dali llama
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Just the other night I had a dream in which a small group of wild horses (they were all white, if that means anything), led by a black and white striped unicorn, chased me into the woods, ripped off my clothes, and had their way with me. Later in the dream, I gave birth to a spinach bagel with lox. This is all very confusing because I am a male and unable to give birth. Also, I’m scared that I might be going crazy. What do you think this means?
_George
Dear George,
Although male humans are incapable of giving birth to spinach bagels (I’m not sure about females), men and women remain in danger of being raped by unicorn-led horses. I wouldn’t be too concerned about your fear, however. This is a common dream, especially if you are originally from Pawtucket. However, for your own safety, you should tell Dr. Lovemonkey about your source of drugs. A phone number or e-mail address will suffice.
Procrastination blues
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My best friend wanted to throw a birthday party for her boyfriend, but she is not very good at planning and let everything go until the last minute. She prevailed upon me to come up with a place, but all I could find was a service station that closes in the evening. She has been very rude and dismissive to me as a result. I did my best. I’m not sure if I should be angry with her or just feel depressed because of the damage this is doing to our friendship. What is the best way to deal with this?
_B.S.
Dear B.S.,
This will take a creative solution. Tell your friend that what you had in mind was a “theme party” — and the theme is “Chop Shop.” Make a game of it and assign all the guests to steal a car and bring it to the service station with them. You can mix and match parts. Make sure that you have a big enough supply of work gloves, jumpsuits, safety goggles, blowtorches, and assorted tools. It might also be a good thing to have a few thousand in cash on hand, for bail money, in case things go south.
Mr. Honesty
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have a major dilemma on my hands. I want to do the right thing, the ethical thing, but I’m not sure what it is. I recently lost my job and my apartment. I’ve been crashing with friends for the past few months, but do not want to wear out my welcome. There is a woman with whom I am friendly who is crazy about me. She has invited me to stay at her place (“no strings attached” according to her, but I know how she feels). I’m still struggling with sexual orientation issues, but regardless, I have no sensual interest in this woman. I don’t want to be homeless, but I don’t want to exploit her — and I think that I would be exploiting her. What can I do?
_In a Pickle
Dear In,
Tell her the truth. Tell her that you do not wish to be intimate with her. Tell her about your financial position and why you would like to take her up on her offer, and how you do not want to exploit her. Honesty is the best policy.
Send questions and romantic quandaries torudycheeks@verizon.net.
