Dr Love Monkey

Leaky thinking

Ask Dr. Lovemonkey

By DR. LOVEMONKEY | August 20, 2008

Gift horse
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
A few months back, my sister was celebrating her 27th birthday. She moved to another part of the country three years ago with her overly yuppified boyfriend (now husband), so she doesn’t see any of us too frequently. To celebrate her own birthday, she sent an e-mail to a bunch of family and friends with a list of “some of the things she’d really love” to receive. Maybe I’m some sort of Calvinist stick-in-the-mud, but this seems sooooo wrong. I already sent her a gift that wasn’t on the list. Please tell me what the proper etiquette is in this situation, because my sister seems to an acquisitive asshole.
_Jamie in Wakefield

Dear Jamie,
Having given due thought and consideration to your query, I have come to the preliminary conclusion that your sister probably is an acquisitive asshole.

Leaky thinking
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have recently discovered a whole world of sexual experience out that I had been missing. For instance, I recently took up the hobby of drinking the urine of an attractive tenant of mine. It stimulates me, but I am concerned about whether my tenant might be on medication and whether I might suffer a negative reaction.
_JBB

Dear JBB,
I have mentioned on numerous times that Dr. Lovemonkey is not an actual doctor. On the other hand, one need not have a strong traditional education to suspect that drinking someone else’s urine might be risky. Basically, you’re drinking piss, my friend. Organic as urine may seem to be, Lovemonkey doubts the health benefits of drinking it.

Whack-a-mole
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I saw the column last week in which you opined that the letter from the midget who wanted to swan around with the bearded lady was a phony. You are probably right, but I suspect that the letter from the guy who wondered about donating his heavy metal stage attire to a homeless shelter was also a phony. How can one tell when letters are legitimate?
_Deborah M.

Dear Deborah M,
This is always difficult. For instance, there are many who might consider a name as seemingly phony as “Deborah M” to be a fake. Those people, however, are likely to be midgets in the circus. Since you’ve been giving this so much thought, do you think this week’s letter from the urine-drinker might be related to the bearded lady-infatuated midget? Both letters came from Billerica, Massachusetts, which gives Dr. Lovemonkey pause. Living in Providence, Dr. Lovemonkey knows that there are a number of edifices where humans congregate. And yet on closer examination, these locations take on all the aspects of a convention of mutants. Look around this city and try to tell me that someone is not constantly filming a sci-fi movie, cinema verite-style. There are so many things Dr. Lovemonkey does not understand.