Real deal
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am a 28-year-old woman who has been living with a 30-year-old man for almost four years. He is a wonderful person and we are thoroughly compatible in many, many ways. There is one area, however, where there is a difference. He comes from a rather impoverished background. He did not have the family support from which I have benefited, and he has a blue-collar job that is not very challenging for him. He doesn’t complain about this, but since we are both around a lot of accomplished and successful people, I am embarrassed to tell some of them what he does. While some of my friends understand my angst, others suggest that I’m being a bit snobbish. They tell me that I should love him for who he is and not what he does. I am confused and unsure whether I should push him to be the person of accomplishment that I know he could be or to just love him for who he is.
_Embarrassed in East Providence
Dear Embarrassed,
Dr. Lovemonkey thinks that you know the answer to this. It’s understandable that you should want your partner to be as successful as possible. But you choose to measure success by going along with the biases and prejudices borne from superficial values. These do not sound like your values, which are more along the line of choosing to be with and love people because of who they are. Follow your best instincts, not your social insecurities.
Politeness counts
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
The other day I was driving through the Shaw’s parking lot when I watched a very well-dressed woman, who headed toward an expensive vehicle, leave her shopping cart inches away from the back bumper of my automobile. I rolled down the window and shouted that she could have been a bit more thoughtful, rolling her cart another few feet where there was a penned area spe-cifically for shopping carts. She reacted quite negatively, and walked away with a scowl on her face. What’s up with that?
_Dan, A Good Citizen
Dear Dan,
You may be a good citizen, but you don’t sound like a master of effective communication. Most people do not like being chastised and will usually react badly. If, however, you were to roll down your window and say, “Pardon me, but if you could just move your cart a few feet, I’d be able to get out of this spot, and I’d greatly appreciate it,” you likely would have gotten a different response. “Teaching other people lessons,” or whatever it was you were attempting, generally doesn’t work. At times, it will actually exacerbate matters and lead to a truly unpleasant situation.
Charm of the aged
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My grandmother is 87 and a wonderful woman, but she grew up in a very rough place and has some habits that she’s never gotten over. For instance, she regularly refers to people as “you some-in-a-bitchin’-yellow-faced bass-tid.” I am not exactly sure what this means, but it certainly sounds offensive and perhaps racist. Unfortunately, this is how she greets people she likes. She never says such things to people she dislikes. What can I do about this?
_Eddie
Dear Eddie,
Grin and bear it. I’ve got to assume that most of these people she likes have figured out that this is just one of your grandmother’s strange eccentricities. While quite offensive, it is something they have learned to live with.
Rudy Cheeks can be reached at rudycheeks@verizon.net.
