Give one thing to the GOP: they know how to play the game. How else to explain the stranglehold they’ve had on our government for the past six years? But raise your right hand if you thought the secrets to their political success were all contained between the covers of a slim volume, bound in red faux-leather and embossed with a braying pachyderm. It’s true: The Republican Playbook— a copy of which humorist Andy Borowitz somehow managed to abscond with from the Oval Office — contains all the devious secrets to their success. More than the Bible, more than My Pet Goat, this is the Republican guidebook. We talked to Borowitz about “the most lethal arrow in any Republican’s quiver, something no Republican should ever leave home without, much like Batman’s utility belt or Kate Moss’s coke spoon.”

So it says this book was “stolen from the White House.” How’d you manage that?
I went into the White House, and I went into the president’s office, and I saw it on his desk, and I just stuck it in my pocket and left. The secret was that I went in August.

What were some of the more surprising things you learned from the book?
I [was surprised], quite literally, by the October surprises. Everybody right now is saying that it looks like the Democrats are just going to run away with this midterm election. I just don’t count the Republicans out after reading the book. If you look at the exit strategy he looks at in the book, it says Bush is gonna pull all the troops out of Iraq — through Iran. That could work! Everybody wins.

Were you struck by any particularly effective ploys?
Well, I think the whole notion of a fund-raising letter written directly by God is good, for the Evangelical base. That’s gonna raise a lot of money.

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Anything else?
I think they have this great new thing that Bush is talking about, this program of making immigrants “guest voters” just on Election Day, when they’re given $50 and a special voting booklet, directed to the polls, then they’re just shoved right over the border again on November 8. That’s the kind of thinking out of the box that can work well.

The atm/voting-machine that can buy votes is also a great idea.
That does not sound far-fetched at all to me. That feels like the kind of technology that Republicans can harness. I think that could happen.

Given the Mark Foley and Jack Abramoff scandals, it seems the gop might be getting a bit sloppy. Do republicans need a refresher course in sticking with the playbook?
No, I think Republicans will be able to retain the House and the Senate. Partially because of the Foley thing. I think people don’t realize just how sexy the Republicans are. Who do you want to go to Washington? Somebody who’s gonna be just pushing their pencil or somebody who’s gonna be having tons and tons of sex?