THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE: are you surprised that "My Humps" won the poll? |
First, a note on what we mean by the worst lyrics of all time. Keep in mind this isn’t a constitutional friggin’ ammendment, we bent our own rules along the way.ThePhoenix.com set out to isolate the single line, or at most a couple of lines, within a popular song that was the most horrific, the most god awful, the most offensively bad. The rest of the song’s lyrics could be worthy of Dylan (a guy who has been known to write a few bum lines every now and again). The music could’ve been Mozart (or Thom Yorke). We wanted the worst lines. And we got them.
And, before everyone starts in on us: yes, we know, it's hard to write a song, we've never written any popular songs, these people sleep with beautiful women and/or men and/or both, yadda yadda yadda. Right, we're aware. Save the keystrokes, Mr. Aiken.
THE SONG: Black Eyed Peas, "My Humps"
THE LYRIC:“My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps.”
THE VERDICT: This has got to be the least appealing description for the female anatomy every conceived.
THE SONG: LFO, “Summer Girls”
THE LYRIC:“New Kids On the Block had a bunch of hits / Chinese food makes me sick / And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer.”
THE VERDICT: We would print out the whole song, but we threw up after they rhymed “speakin’” with “Alex P. Keaton.”
THE SONG: Chubb Rock, “Mr. Large”
THE LYRIC: “Like Mario Puzo, I'm The Don. W-W-I'M-THE-SHIT-DOT-COM”
THE VERDICT: We keep trying to get to this website. Keep getting error messages. Oh, wait. Yeah, he only says two Ws. The last W was obviously being reserved for “what the fuck?”
THE SONG: Eminem, "Ass Like That"
THE LYRIC: “I ain’t never seen an ass like that / The way you move it, you make my peepee go DOING DOING DOING”
THE VERDICT: One 'doing' would have sufficed, no?
THE SONG: Avril Lavigne, "Sk8r Boi"
THE LYRIC: “He was a boy, she was a girl / Can I make it any more obvious.”
THE VERDICT: Ma’am, could you make it a bit more obvious? We’re not all sophisticated like y’all Degrassi-watching Canadians. By the way, it's been pointed out before, but we've never known a "Sk8tr Boi" who had anything resembling girl trouble.
THE SONG: Warrant, "Cherry Pie"
THE LYRIC: “Swingin' in the living room / Swingin' in the kitchen / Most folks don't / 'cause they're too busy bitchin' / Swingin' in there 'cause / She wanted me to feed her / So I mixed up the batter / And she licked the beater.”
THE VERDICT: The reason most people don’t swing? Because they’re too busy bitching. Makes sense to us.
THE SONG: Spice Girls, “Wannabe”
THE LYRIC: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”
THE VERDICT: Okay, no guy is going to say no to that (as long as Gerri turns the lights off).
THE OTHER LYRIC: “Make it last forever. Friendship never ends”
THE VERDICT: Okay, girl power, we get it. Don’t really see how it has anything to do with us guys, but fine.
STILL MORE LYRIC: “If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give”
THE VERDICT: Alright, now it’s getting a little annoying. I’m fucking all four of your friends, like you told me to in the first line. What else do you want?
THE FINAL LYRIC: "Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.”
THE VERDICT: Slam your body down and zigazig ah, indeed. And yeah, we know, 1996 called and they want their jokes back.
THE SONG: Train “Drops of Jupiter”
THE LYRIC: “Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation /The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me”
THE VERDICT: First we’re traveling in space all fine and dandy, then he starts name-dropping fads from the year 2000 as if it’s a VH1 special and he’s Hal Sparks. Soy Lattes? Tae Bo? Yes, Venus did blow our minds.
THE SONG: America, "A Horse With No Name"
THE LYRIC:"There were plants and birds and rocks and things"
THE VERDICT: What, did he get tired? Rocks and things? Try a fuckin’ cactus. Dirt? Bugs?
THE SONG: Limp Bizkit, "Break Stuff"
THE LYRIC: "It's just one of those days/When you don't wanna wake up/Everything is fucked / Everybody sucks/You don't really know why/But you wanna justify/Rippin' someone's head off"
THE VERDICT: Music is supposed to move people. This song just happened to move people to assault women and set fires at Woodstock ’99.
