Kovall is the Assman. The 28-year-old Bedford native owns Ass Industries, a small company that sells snowboard/skateboard accessories like goggle wipes, hardware screws, and ass-shaped pieces of board wax. Wax, Kovall explains over two beef tacos at the Border Café in Harvard Square, keeps snowboards "riding like new" — it "prevents damage, rides faster, less injury." Kovall’s particular brand of wax comes in various scents. "There’s blueberry Ass," he says, margarita in hand. "Lemon Ass. Cranberry Ass. And black Ass — sniffs like licorice."

This past summer, Kovall poured more than 1200 pieces of rounded wax at his friend’s skate-ramp-equipped warehouse — a/k/a the Ass Lab. His magic formula was "tons of Coronas" and a battery of "super-hydro carbonization processes that only the Ass Laboratories can do, built on over ten years of research and development that’s been. . . passed down through the forefathers of Ass!"

Kovall began snowboarding in 1988, back when it "wasn’t like a white-suburban rich-family sport — it was gnarly skaters and people that were outcasts." In the mid ’90s he went professional, accruing sponsorships from various snowboard companies — one of which was Ass Industries. Kovall tried to balance snowboarding with his studies at UMass (both Amherst and Lowell); meanwhile Ass disappeared. After a six-month stint as a mechanical engineer and an attempt to get funding for a snowboard-related patent on the West Coast, Kovall called up Ass’s previous owner and "made a deal" to acquire the brand. Now, while trying to relaunch Ass, Kovall resides in his parents’ basement in Bedford.

Kovall claims his parents also "heart Ass Industries," and that his behavior, as he says, "is part of my job. This is my life! This is not a joke. This my lifestyle! I need to indulge myself in all things that Ass ass-similiates. "

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To support Ass, Kovall works at Eastern Boarder, a New England skate-shop franchise that also stocks his product line. "It’s funny to sell somebody a piece of Ass wax, ya know? I do it every day. It’s great when moms are standing around there and you’re like, [to their kid] ‘You need some Ass wax!’ They’re like ‘AWKKKKK!’"

"Can I ask you a question?" interrupts the female Border Café bartender who just cashed us out. "Why does it say ‘Ass Industries’ on your credit card?"

"I’m the Assman," Kovall informs her, leaving her confused.

Kovall suggests heading somewhere else to "critique ass," like a strip club. So we climb into his Jeep and head to the North Shore. On the ride there, he explains the responsibility that goes along with his brand. "If a girl walks in with a shirt that says i ASS, she’s got guys walking up. If you’re a guy, you get tackled: girls like to question the man with the i ♥ ASS T-shirt. It’s serious. It’s not for the scared."

After asking for directions to the "nudie bar" — to which someone wondered if we meant "the nice one or the one by the trailer park" — Kovall pulls up to the Squire in Revere ("the nice one"). The sign outside says it’s Amateur Night. Kovall cheers. "Wait a sec," he says, grabbing a stack of bumper stickers. "Gotta make sure I have all the necessary ingredients for a proper Asssss-plosion!"

We empty our change for the metal detectors by the door, pass the strip-club cappuccino stand (huh?), and settle into front-row seats. Kovall sits back, displaying the i ASS on his chest. One after another, the nude dancers notice his shirt, break out of sexy-faced character, and laugh. One anorexic-looking blonde, a Brittany Murphy type with a stegosaurus spine, beams like she’s found her soul mate. "I love ass too!"

Kovall tips strippers with both dollar bills and i ♥ ASS stickers. In turn, the naked women perform their own peculiar booty dances for the Assman. Butts ripple as girls flex their glutes. Cellulite shakes like lumpy pudding in an earthquake. Girls spank their apple-bottoms so hard — ccckk! — you expect another crack to form.

Kovall smirks. One girl slides her i ♥ ASS sticker under her garter money-belt, facing up. He smiles, "Ooooh! That kind of advertising is worth big bucks."

On the way home, Kovall seems pleased. "I’m just doing this for fun. This is for kids, man. I’m not looking for some stupid profit. It’s ass." Although he does want Ass Industries to be a hardcore-snowboard brand, he can’t be too exclusive. "Ass is for everybody. Because everybody loves ass."

On the Web
Ass Industries: //www.ass-industries.com .