Did anyone actually watch Bush do his State of the Union song and dance on Tuesday evening? We’re writing this before the actual speech has been de¬livered, so you might think we are at somewhat of a disadvantage. But that’s not the way P&J see it. Instead, we made up our own speech — the one Bush should give (kind of like how he makes up a view of the world that has little correspondence with reality).
 
Here are but a few excerpts:
 
“Ask not what your country can do for you, but more like what your country can do to you. And friends, we can do plenty to you. Remember that Constitution with its civil liberties spelled out? Seen it around lately? I have . . . it’s in Vice Presi¬dent Cheney’s commode for easy access, if you know what I mean.
 
“And with malice for most and charity for only the wealthiest, I promise that the money is tricklin’ down even as we speak. I know you don’t see it, and you don’t feel it, just like those folks in New Orleans didn’t see or feel the great job that we were doing down there. Just believe me, it’s there.
 
“And that new deployment of troops’ll work too. It’s hard, it takes time, and the deaths of untold thousands of young people, but we’re getting there. We probably made a mistake supporting that guy Licky or whatever his name is, but I’ve got somebody new in mind, somebody my good friend Robert Novak suggested, his good friend Satan.
 
“That’s a joke, folks. We all know that Satan is Hillary or Vice-President Cheney in a bad rubber mask. C’mon, everybody, where’s the laughs? You want me to go all Kramer on your ass?”

Why not Choo-choo Street?
You have to love the state’s Eco¬nomic Development Corporation for constantly being concerned about its public image.
 
P&J refer to an invitation we recently received to an EDC Open House Celebration on January 24. It was in honor of the quasi-public’s new digs in the American Locomotive Works development on Providence’s West Side.
 
It was the address that caught our eye: 315 Iron Horse Way, and beneath that, “(formerly 555 Val¬ley Street).” We guess a Valley Street address just wasn’t glamorous enough for the corporate world.
 
Or, as the invite gushes: “Be prepared to be wowed! The site is amazing and EDC’s new space, both inside and out, reflects the agency’s exciting progress toward building an innovation economy in Rhode Island.”
 
Woo-hoo!

Dumb and dumber
As if American Idol judge Paula Abdul doesn’t make enough of a fool of herself on every occasion, the former pop enchantress won’t stop not making sense.
 
Paula recently explained herself thusly to a New York Times reporter: “I’m doing my job and having fun. Although I might not take myself seriously, there are young girls watching me, and I know I am a role model.”
 
Not so sure about that, petite Paula. But if you are indeed a role model for young girls, you can expect a new generation of airhead bimbos coming down the pipeline any minute now.

Brillo time
Not to completely milk an august organ like the New York Times, but we derived a chuckle from an item in their Monday feature, Metropolitan Diary.
 
Wrote one Michael Parrella, “Dear Diary: While walking through the Metropolitan Museum exhibition ‘Cezanne to Picasso,’ I stopped and looked at several very beautiful platters decorated by Matisse. I turned to the man next to me and said, ‘Aren’t they beautiful?’ He answered sadly, ‘Yes, but are they dishwasher safe?’”

Good times, bad times
As big fans of the New England Patriots, Phillipe & Jorge were beyond devastated by their loss to the hated Indianapolis Colts in the American Football Confer¬ence championship game.
 
It was cool, wet cloths on the forehead, and a fistful of Valiums for your superior correspondents at Casa Diablo. Not only were the Pats up at one point by 21-3, New England lost to the NFL’s goodie two-shoes, the incredibly annoying Peyton Manning, the man who can’t refuse a TV ad offer — no matter how much he ends up looking like an idiot. The only halfway good thing, as our friend Ms. Carr points out, was that we didn’t lose to a last-minute Adam Vinatieri field goal, which would have been even more awful.
 
We were slightly cheered, though, when Bill Parcells announced his retirement. We will no longer see him going up and down the sideline with his huge gut protruding both above and below his belt. One of the most arrogant people on earth, the Big Tuna had as much loyalty to his team as Terrell Owens, and he got what he deserved when he brought T.O. to Dallas.
 
Sure, Parcells will get into the NFL Hall of Fame on a first ballot, but nobody will miss his abrasive press conferences, when he ridiculed the media for not being as much of a towering football genius as himself.
 
Don’t let that clubhouse door hit you in your fat ass on the way out, Tuna.