VIDEO: The trailer for The Hills Season Three

When Lauren Conrad is blow-drying her hair before her camera crews arrive, does she ever consider — just for a moment — giving up and allowing her Gwyneth Paltrow–esque tresses to frizz into a rat’s nest? Because sometimes I get exhausted just watching her strut around in her I-look-great-but-not-like-I-tried-too-hard-great ensembles. I worry that Lauren will turn into one of those women who refuse to take their make-up off before bed. Even “legitimate” Hollywood It Girls have a fugly day once in a while. But not Lauren. Never, ever Lauren. Throughout her two-season stint on Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County and her spinoff show, The Hills (the third season debuted on MTV on August 13), Lauren’s cold reserve has betrayed her more than once. And yet, in spite of tabloid scandals and backstabbing best friends, she’s made certain that nobody has anything nasty to say about her outfits. If she can’t keep the crazy in while she’s sobbing on her designer couch, having uncoordinated public conniptions at trendy Hollywood clubs, or advertising her own admittedly terrible taste in men — well, at least she’ll set her sanity free in style.

First order of business: yes, Whitney did get the job at Teen Vogue. She’s now Lauren’s new boss and sage advice giver/pseudo-therapist. OMG! It’s as if nothing had changed at all. Who, Lauren and Whitney dish, could have started the sex-tape rumor that forced Our Heroine to plead her side of the story in a glorified US Weekly spread? Was it Jason? Or was it Heidi? Yup. Probably Heidi. God. Heidi! What a bitch! (This is never outright stated, merely implied through numerous eye rolls.) How does she live with herself? More important — how does she live with Spencer?

Lauren and new roommate Audrina do not, of course, accept the half-assed invites to the housewarming party thrown by Boob-Job Space Cadet Heidi and Captain of the Douchebag Express Spencer. They’re too good for it. Instead, they spend an alchy-fueled evening out on the town kissing semi-randoms. Heidi and Spencer are livid when they see Lauren and Audrina at Les Deux the next night. “Roll up on her,” the vile, WASPy Spencer drawls, delighted with the opportunity to use a line from a hip-hop song in a sentence. “What did I do?”, Heidi asks, shrilly. “You’re a sad pathetic person,” Lauren squawks, tugging at her tubetop dress. This is what we want to see, not second-hand descriptions of the bitchfighting from Audrina & Co.

Things don’t get much better for Sassypants McRighteous in the friend zone. Audrina breaks some shocking news: she’s giving on-again-off-again boyfriend Justin a/k/a Bobby (WTF?) a second chance. How will Lauren ever find a boy of her own if she doesn’t have a single friend who isn’t socially awkward to help her?

Meanwhile, Spencer — in a typical display of his infuriating lack of reasoning skills — decides that he needs to get Heidi to marry him before she realizes he’s a brainwashing toolbox who probably won’t age well. Some wise yet unwelcome advice from Brody: “You can’t get married at 23. . . . You have to waste your whole youth first!” Spencer, oh wise, wise Spencer, rips up the store receipt as soon as he purchases a heinous costume ring. Cut to the most loathsome televised proposal ever, juxtaposed with close-up shots of Lauren on the balcony of her old digs in Laguna. She’s behaving as if someone were directing her to look pensive yet sexy. She seems more constipated than meditative, actually, but never mind: her blond mane is shiny, pin-straight, and flawlessly dyed, whipping behind her in the breeze.