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Easy policework

Sports blotter: "No shit, Sherlock" edition
By MATT TAIBBI  |  February 20, 2008

BAMA BUST Redshirt frosh Jeremy Elder might be wearing pinstripes soon.
Respect your Elder
I’ve always wondered exactly how these gigantic defensive linemen think they’re going to beat the whole “physical description” aspect of post-felony police work. When you’re 6-3, approaching 300 pounds, a varsity football player in a major-conference football town, and you commit a felony in front of witnesses you leave alive — well, that’s not like having a mustache and shoplifting in downtown Baghdad. I mean, you don’t exactly blend in, and the suspect pool is, shall we say, limited.

Which is why it’s surprising that there are five or 10 cases a year of some D-1 school’s varsity linemen committing some preposterously easy-to-solve felony on campus or thereabouts in the middle of the night. We already had a 300-pound tackle trying to inconspicuously shoplift a coat from a Burlington Coat Factory in Arizona this year. Now we have the case of one Jeremy Elder, a redshirt freshman from the University of Alabama who is alleged to have held up two male UA students at gunpoint this past Saturday night.

According to police reports, Elder approached the two men at about 11 pm, flashed a gun, and took an undetermined amount of cash from one of the men. The victims gave a description to police. The next morning, police narrowed down things and questioned Elder. Soon after, we’re talking about first-degree armed-robbery charges. Why a 271-pound man needs to use a gun to commit a robbery — thus increasing his criminal exposure from a mugging to a serious, multi-year felony — is hard to say. Anyway, this joker was then released on $120,000 bond. He will likely remain free for a few months to contemplate his mistake before taking a ride upstate for the next decade or two.

We’ll keep you posted, but this is an early candidate for bad late-night decision of the year. Give him 55 points until further notice . . .

Coffin-corner parking
Dark times for Britton Colquitt, the Tennessee punter who may have drunk his way out of NFL consideration after a textbook leave-the-scene case this past weekend.

Even before this latest incident, Colquitt was a leading candidate to replace Sebastian Janikowski as the Dread Pirate Roberts of troubled college kickers. The son of former Pittsburgh Steeler punter Craig Colquitt and the brother of former Vol All-American Dustin Colquitt, Britton had three alcohol-related arrests in 2004, leading to much-publicized promises of a “new Britton Colquitt” and tearful pledges to try harder to be a role model for kids. (Um, how many kids pick a college punter as a role model?)

He managed to stay clean for three years, but this past weekend Colquitt apparently had two beers and three mixed drinks before getting into a Jeep Cherokee in Knoxville and hitting a parked Ford Focus. He then fled the scene and was later apprehended by police, when he confessed through slurred speech to having hit the car and also to hitting a “tree stump.” The stump has yet to press charges.

As a result, Colquitt has been suspended for the first five games of next season and also has had his scholarship stripped. (Why does the son of an NFL player need a scholarship, anyway?) He will be required to undergo alcohol counseling, as well as “other internal punishments.” But if all goes well, he’ll be back for the bowl game next year.

Meanwhile, give him the standard 20 points for the DUI, plus eight for walking away from the tree stump. There’s nothing lower than a hit and run.

We were just trying to help
Problems arose at Indiana University over the weekend, where freshman linebacker Darius Johnson had what some might describe as a bad night. Police found Johnson, 18, passed out on a stairwell early Saturday morning and called an ambulance to take him away.

Once inside the ambulance, Johnson went completely mental, waking up and “kicking his legs and swinging his arms at the ambulance crew,” which could not have been pleasant for most involved. He is said to have “knocked over items all over the ambulance,” which was part of what led police to charge him with resisting arrest, in addition to public intoxication.

Seems unfair to me; the guy was passed out, then wakes up in a strange vehicle, being hauled God knows where. I’d resist, too.

Meanwhile, across campus, teammates James Bailey (a wideout) and Demetrious McCray (a running back) were arrested for disorderly conduct, your garden-variety loud-music beef.

All three have been released from Monroe County Jail. IU says discipline will be handled “internally.”

When he’s not googling “Alabama slammer” and “fourth and very long,” Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. He can be reached

| DUI manslaughter | 90
JEREMY ELDER (ALABAMA) | late-night stickup | 55
ADAM “PACMAN” JONES (TITANS) | being a menace to peaceful strip-club patrons everywhere | 50
JOHN STEPHENS (EX-PATRIOTS) | sex-assault fugitive | 48
DAVID CORNACCHIA (FLA. EVERBLADES) | mid-flight assault, head-butting bystanders, exposing wine-shrunken wiener | 46
BRANDON PETTIGREW (OKLAHOMA STATE) | elbowing Stillwater’s finest | 42
CHANNING CROWDER (DOLPHINS) | leaving the scene, making good early impression on Bill Parcells | 30
DANIEL GRAHAM (BRONCOS) | ambiguous domestic-violence beef; hit a bedpost | 30
JASON HORTON (MISSOURI) | beating up “kitchen help” | 30
TYRONE NESBY (EX-CLIPPERS) | ginormous child-support debt | 30
RICHARD TODD BURGER (EX-JETS) | leg-breaking for Internet gambling site | 28
BRITTON COLQUITT (TENNESSEE) | DUI, hitting a car, hitting tree stump, then walking away from the scene | 28
XAVIER HICKS (WASHINGTON STATE) | putting rubbing alcohol in roommate’s contact-lens case| 22
DEMARCUS GRANGER (OKLAHOMA) | stealing winter coat — in Arizona; refusing to appear | 21
RANDY NEWSOM (AKRON AEROS) | sold shares in his future earnings in dicey scheme that Ponzi would have admired | 18
GERALD JONES AND AHMAD PAIGE (TENNESSEE) | Cheech and Chong/Up in Smoke impersonation, while in car | 12
SHAUN WHITE (X-TREME SPORTS) | spraying fire extinguisher, acting like the little douchebag he is | 11
DERRICK JONES (OREGON) | operating a less-than-one-ounce “drug house” | 1

  Topics: Sports , Sports , American Football Conference , Football ,  More more >
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