There’s only one issue of any importance in the current campaign.
Not the state’s $200 million budget shortfall and whether to raise taxes or cut services to close it. I mean, who cares if bridges collapse, state parks close, and poor people starve.
Not the rising cost of heating oil and beer. This is Maine. Heat with wood, and drink Allen’s Coffee Brandy, which is made from fermented wood.
NAFTA? That sound you hear is LAFTA.
No, according to prominent politicians, the only issue that matters this year is illegal immigration. Take Dean Scontras for example. Scontras (say, that doesn’t sound like an American name) is a Republican running for Congress in the state’s 1st District. According to his Web site, he believes undocumented foreign nationals are “streaming across the border, taking jobs illegally, receiving all the social services that our generous nation has to offer, all the while indignantly maintaining their sense of nationalist zeal.”
We in Maine know first-hand the consequences of that sort of behavior. In the recent past, we’ve been set upon by waves of uncouth foreigners, who grabbed up every job in sight. These people refused to be integrated into the national culture. They continued to speak their native languages. It’s a wonder our pure American way of life survived these encroachments.
From French Canadians. And Italians. And the Irish.
If we true Americans hadn’t been resolute in standing up to the infiltrators, who knows how it would have affected our civilization. We’d probably all go out every March 17 and get hammered on green beer, bloated on pizza, and bored by hockey.
But, as Scontras (you do have some kind of identification, don’t you?) and others are quick to point out, the immigration threat we face today is far different from the ones we’ve had to deal with over the past two centuries. Those previous in-migrants were ... hmmmm, I’m trying to think of a politically correct way of saying this.
They were white.
The new wave is mostly made of people who are, er ...
Not.
In February, Scontras (and exactly how long have you been in this country?) wrote an op-ed titled “State of Maine’s Become a Haven for Illegal Aliens” for a New Hampshire newspaper (because there are lots of votes for a Maine congressional candidate to be found in New Hampshire). In it, he said smuggling rings in the northeast specialize in bringing in illegal immigrants from “Central America, India, Korea and, most disturbingly, Pakistan, a hotbed of Islamic extremism.”
Scontras (could you tell us your middle name?) admits he doesn’t know how many illegals there are in Maine. But as the second-whitest state in the country, those people should be easy to spot. After which, we can do what we do best:
Give them driver’s licenses.
At last, we have a real issue. (Not to be confused with Real ID, which we in Maine want nothing to do with.) Illegal aliens aren’t coming here to steal our jobs. We don’t have any jobs to steal. They aren’t sneaking across the border to partake of our generous welfare system. After the next round of budget cuts, all that will be available to low-income people is stale bread, Poland Spring water, and a coupon good for 40 bucks off on a digital-signal converter for your TV. The only good reason for would-be terrorists to visit Maine is because this is the easiest state in the nation for aliens — legal or illegal — to get driver’s licenses.
And we’re proud of it.
True story: Robert O’Connell (is that an Arabic name?), director of licensing services at the state Bureau of Motor Vehicles, was celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in a Boston bar in 2006, when he met a man named Niall Clarke (Clarke — that sounds American). Clarke, who’s Irish, was having trouble getting a Massachusetts license, even though he was in this country legally. O’Connell suggested he apply in Maine. Clarke took him up on the offer, and with O’Connell’s help, managed to pass the written, vision, and road tests in one day, even though he wasn’t a resident of the state, and his visa was scheduled to expire in two weeks.
Clarke then used his license to buy a handgun, and rather than steal the job of a real American, he stole some real American money. He held up a Bangor bank, a crime for which he was eventually sentenced to 10 years in federal prison. O’Connell remains on the job, although he’s the subject of an internal investigation (for possible links to al Qaeda?).
Some critics of state policies on issuing licenses have suggested this indicates Maine needs to tighten up its regulations. They say applicants should have to at least come up with a fake address in Maine. And they’ve got to promise not to rob any banks. The Legislature is currently considering these changes.
Meanwhile, O’Connell (do the words “sleeper cell” mean anything to you?) awaits his fate. If he’s eventually found guilty of something, he should be shipped back to wherever he came from.
If I’m bordering on the annoying, e-mail me at aldiamon@herniahill.net.
