A very Brady felony
The press release from the Suffolk County DA’s Office about the arrest of Boston College . . . er, make that former Boston College defensive linemen Brady Smith read as follows:

“Evidence suggests that Smith entered the 21-year-old victim’s residence shortly after 4 am on April 19. Smith allegedly proceeded to her bedroom, where he sexually assaulted her as she slept, then fled when she awoke and screamed.”

Smith is a big dude (6-2, 285 pounds) with a ’70s mustache who got trashed this past week and hit on a girl — the roommate of an ex-girlfriend — at the Kells, in Allston. The girl refused his advances, but Smith was increasingly beered up and, apparently, couldn’t believe he was being rejected. Eventually the girl had to leave the bar because, reportedly, Smith wouldn’t leave her alone.

Unfortunately, the story didn’t end there. Around 4 am, Smith entered her apartment through a sliding door — first going into the room of his ex-girlfriend. When he found her brother in there, he went on to the other girl’s room. She awoke to find him “standing over me in inappropriate ways,” and subsequently it hit home that “it was Brady Smith and I realized that his hand was down my pants.” She screamed for him to “get the fuck out” of her apartment, waking up her roommate, who called police. Cops later found Smith drunk and stupid in a parking lot. He was arraigned on rape charges and dismissed from the BC football team.

Smith’s lawyer, Philip A. Tracy Jr., said he thought “this case revolves around alcohol,” noting sagely that sometimes “alcohol fuels a whole host of problems.”

BC isn’t traditionally a high-arrest environment, though it has had its share of head cases, with former star running back William Green perhaps its most noteworthy. A pair of picks from this past weekend’s NFL draft, lineman Gosder Cherilus (17th overall) and defensive back DeJuan Tribble (6th rounder), were arrested this past year in a scuffle at the Greatest Bar. Running back A.J. Brooks was also busted for assault and battery with a dangerous weapon — the dangerous weapon being his shoe — after he allegedly kicked a campus residential advisor this past fall.

Attempted rape is no joke, particularly a premeditated home-invasion-type sex assault. Give Smith the big 89, shooting him near the top of the list.

I drink, I get drunk, I fall down
Not that we’re bitter or anything, but we in Patriot land always make time to report the arrest of a current or former Indianapolis Colt. Donald Strickland now dons the colors of the sad-sack San Francisco 49ers, but he’ll forever be an enemy in our eyes.

On April 13 cops spotted him being held back on the street by a bunch of guys who apparently thought he was going to get in a fight. Cops then approached Strickland and were going to arrest him on the spurious charge of being drunk in public, but being an NFL cornerback with NFL cornerback speed, Strickland took off. Being smashed, he didn’t get far. Strickland fell down after about half a block, then got up and took off again. He was taken into custody and slapped with whatever charges were handy, including resisting arrest and public intoxication.

From now on we’re going to add 10 points for any professional or Division-1 athlete who gets chased down on foot by ordinary, Twinkie-eating police. No one will ever repeat the shame of former Florida State star wideout Peter Warrick, who ran a 4.57 40 before the draft and was chased down from behind by a female cop. But there will be others — even our own Ty Law was chased down by cops in Miami. With the bump, give Strickland 24 points. Not good form, guys, not solid at all.

Last but not least
Speaking of Mr. Law, we have an honorary Ty Law–esque “you can't arrest me, I’m an NFL player” bust, and this one also involves an Indianapolis Colt.

Kenton Keith, a pest of a second-string running back the Colts stole from some hole in Canada, got busted this past week for refusing to leave a club parking lot after closing time. Asked by police to clear out, Keith said he was a member of the Colts and would leave when he was ready.

Turns out they got him ready ahead of time, dragging Keith in on misdemeanor criminal trespassing. Not so tough now, are you, you Peyton Manning lover! Twenty points for the trespassing, 10 more for being a Colt.

When he’s not googling “grounded Eagle” and “stumbling Colts,” Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. He can be reached at M_Taibbi@yahoo.com .