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Dance, Monkey: Steve Hofstetter

I’m a writer and I don’t drink coffee. What’s wrong with me?
I think it probably stems from some childhood abuse where you had some coffee spilled on you. It’s Pavlovian, really. Every time you think of coffee, you think of terrible burns. And it also happened while an adult was writing, so you can’t mix coffee and writing or you’ll produce the same effect.

Phil Gramm recently said that this country is just in a mental recession. What other historical events have been entirely in our heads?
From what some people in certain parts of this country have told me, the Holocaust never happened. Those people are also in a mental recession, so it’s really full circle. Actually, I’d say those people are in a mental depression, not just a recession. I think their market has bottomed out completely. Also, by the way, fantastic to know about that quote. I am thrilled, because I’m going to mentally get $2-per-gallon gas now. I’m happy to hear that I can just imagine that.

Mary-Kate Olsen wanted immunity from prosecution before she’d speak to investigators about Heath Ledger’s death. Do you think we as a nation will ever be prepared to grant Dave Coulier immunity for his involvement with Alanis?
The weird part is, who’s the victim in that relationship? Was it Alanis or was it Dave Coulier? Now on the one hand, you want to say Alanis, because, I mean, I’m sure Dave is a very nice guy, but really? Dave Coulier? But on the other hand, if she really wrote Jagged Little Pill about Dave Coulier, then the fact that Alanis has been unleashed into this world is his fault. So I don’t think we can ever grant him immunity for that. He inspired generations of people to misuse the word “ironic.”

What do the Statue Of Liberty and a giant burlap sack have in common?
They’re both used to torture Iraqi prisoners.

I say you’re a girl. What are you going to do to prove you’re not? And keep in mind, you’re on the phone, so I can’t see you right now.
I’m going to hang up within 15 minutes of our starting this phone call and not waste your daytime minutes. Also, I will not text you afterward.

STEVE HOFSTETTER | UMass-Amherst, Bowker Auditorium, Amherst | September 9 | 732.616.5913 | Worcester State College, North/South Auditorium, Worcester | September 10 | 508.929.8073