The Phoenix Network:
 
 
About  |  Advertise
 
Big Fat Whale  |  Failure  |  Hoopleville  |  Lifestyle Features
Best2012Vote-1000x50

Law & Disorder: The Best of Last Semester's Campus Crime Logs

Best time of your life? Hardly. Behold these stunning antics, ripped straight from the campus crime blotters.
By BARRY THOMPSON  |  January 25, 2012

 STUDENT_SURV_PUZZLE_480

Plenty of people told you college would be the best time of your life. Now that you're at least a semester in, you know they are all liars.

You've found yourself in some seriously rough spots since your undergrad career began. Chasing a handful of your roommate's Ritalin with a bottle of Jäger seemed like a great idea. Then you woke up covered in urine (yours, you hope) in the dumpster behind Espresso Royale with a citation for underage drinking glued to your forehead. And the guy who promised to watch your laptop, cell phone, and wallet for an hour while you went streaking didn't turn out to be as trustworthy as his honest face implied. Yeah, college can totally suck sometimes.

Fear not. Your troubles are nothing extraordinary. Incident logs available online and/or at campus police stations display laundry lists of amateur-hour escapades and bike/backpack/wallet/gadget thefts. A big list of those would've been pretty redundant, so here are some amusing, singular shenanigans and trends from last semester culled from public records (and the Huntington News's outstanding Crime Log) for your enjoyment.

THE TOP THREE "WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?" INCIDENTS FROM THE EMERSON CRIME LOG

1_ WHO THE FUCK STEALS A WREATH? At an undetermined time on December 11, some Grinch-like motherfucker stole a wreath off a door on Spruce Street. Let us hope the perp received coal for Christmas. Coal . . . and doom.

2_ WHO THE FUCK BURNS A PUZZLE? On the morning of November 18, an obviously frustrated student set an obviously difficult puzzle ablaze on the 10th floor of the Little Building, according to a conduct coordinator.

3_ WHO THE FUCK SHOWS UP DRUNK TO THE PUBLIC SAFETY DEPARTMENT? According to a log dated December 16, an Emerson student sauntered into Public Safety around 2 am and requested a pair of temporary school IDs for himself and his non–Emerson student friend. Officers deemed the student intoxicated. This raises questions: what reason could the gentleman have for wanting to pass his accomplice off as an Emersonian? Why couldn't he wait an hour and drink a glass of water before subjecting himself to the cops?

1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5  |   next >
Related: A bankrobber downsizes, Trinity Rep’s rip-roaring His Girl Friday, Slideshow: ''Say You Love Me'' at Harvard's Carpenter Center; ''Hungry for Death: Destroy All Monsters'' at BU Art Gallery, More more >
  Topics: Lifestyle Features , Harvard University, Crime, Boston University,  More more >
| More

 Friends' Activity   Popular   Most Viewed 
[ 01/31 ]   Jodi Kantor  @ Harvard Book Store
[ 01/31 ]   Marissa Licata  @ Scullers
[ 01/31 ]   Mark Kozelek  @ First Church, Congregational
ARTICLES BY BARRY THOMPSON
Share this entry with Delicious
  •   LAW & DISORDER: THE BEST OF LAST SEMESTER'S CAMPUS CRIME LOGS  |  January 25, 2012
    Incident logs available online and/or at campus police stations display laundry lists of amateur-hour escapades and bike/backpack/wallet/gadget thefts. Here are some amusing, singular shenanigans and trends from last semester culled from public records
  •   FOR COYOTE KOLB, THE ROOTS COME TOGETHER  |  January 24, 2012
    Johnny Cash's baleful self-portrait "Ain't No Grave" oozes into my skull through a Sailor Jerry haze.
  •   GIVE UP THE GHOST ROAR BACK FOR A TIMELY REUNION  |  December 20, 2011
    It's tough to maintain unswerving matter-of-factness without boring anybody. But hardcore, at its best, manages exactly that.
  •   JAPAN'S DIR EN GREY FIND HOPE IN A DARK PLACE  |  December 06, 2011
    Back in March, the Japanese band Dir En Grey had recorded about half of what became Dum Spiro Spero, their eighth album. Then the world ended, or at least came pretty close.
  •   JEREMY DUBS | SPEAK!  |  November 16, 2011
    Normally, Jeremy Dubs co-heads Bunnies, whose aural designs emanate from an alternate future of classic rock, evoking ecstatic awe and/or divine terror — a seriously crazy band.

 See all articles by: BARRY THOMPSON

MOST POPULAR
RSS Feed of for the most popular articles
 Most Viewed   Most Emailed