At the July 2011 launch party for KID ROCK's Born Free album, the New York Post was already asking the tough questions: who would Kid Rock endorse for president? The ornery Waffle House scuffler said he wasn't sure if he'd throw his weight behind Obama again, as he had in 2008, but he had nothing but contempt for the Republican field: "All of them are a bunch of idiots."
That didn't stop MITT ROMNEY — who kicked off his campaign in June of 2011, so he was unambiguously included among those idiots — from using "Born Free" as his campaign song. Last week, at a Michigan campaign rally, he even convinced Kid Rock to perform live. The singer performed "Born Free," stuck around just long enough for a handshake, and then got the hell away.
"I think that he makes some pretty good music," idiot Romney told Detroit's WXYT radio, "and I like listening to his music." Still no word on whether Kid Rock will endorse Obama this time.
Wow, here's something I bet you didn't know about JA RULE: he was born on February 29 — Leap Day — so he's only had, like, eight birthdays. Plus, he was raised a Jehovah's Witness, and they don't even celebrate birthdays. Hardly any birthdays, probably no cake. Rule got totally screwed on birthdays, which is almost definitely why he ended up in prison.
He's still there, by the way, doing time for dodging his taxes — he's asking his fans to tweet their #HappyBdayJaRule wishes while holding up copies of his new album (released February 28). His people are gonna compile all the photos into a nice book and finally give him a proper birthday. Not too many takers so far.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that there's a rapper out there called "BANG 'EM UP SMURF." Maybe just write that info on a little card and carry it around in your wallet, that it might amuse you all of your days. Also, quick reminder that "TITY BOI" exists, and he's named that because he was really into his mom's titties as a child. I should open up a guitar case outside the train station and just tell passersby this shit and watch the dollar bills roll in.
BIEBERWATCH! Our hero's legal guardians have sent a cease-and-desist to RC3, an iPhone app developer marketing a game called "Joustin' Beaver," which supposedly infringes on the boy's smooth, impeccably hairless trademark. RC3 has filed a pre-emptive lawsuit defending their right to lovingly parody the little guy.
I tried to download the app to get a feel for this legal powder keg, but I was stopped dead in my tracks by the app description: "International SUPERSTAR Joustin' Beaver needs your help! He's floating down the river on a world tour to meet as many fans and sign as many 'Otter-graphs' as he can. But the 'Phot-Hogs' will stop at nothing to get a photo of JB when he least expects it." Ordinarily, I would throw my life on the line to defend the principle of free speech, since my livelihood depends on it. But with puns like that, fuck 'em, I hope they get sued into oblivion.
The big biz news last week was the wonderfully idiotic signing of LIMP BIZKIT to Cash Money/YMCMB Records. We've all had a laugh at the absurdity of it, but the best part is yet to come: this thing might be actually happening. Obligatory Birdman trills on Bizkit tracks. Young Money crossovers. Wes Borland solos on Nicki Minaj tracks. Photos of Fred Durst and Drake leaning on the same car. Durst directing Lil Wayne videos. Oh my God, you guys.
DAVID THORPE | email@example.com