Damon Dash Re-Launches Roc-A-Fella With New Line-Up, Signs Notorious Boston Kidnapper Christian Karl “Clark Rocafella” Gerhartsreiter

BOSTON – In a move that stunned the hip-hop and kidnapping communities alike, this week flagging hip-hop mogul Damon Dash signed convicted child abductor and accused murderer Christian Karl “Clark Rocafella” Gerhartsreiter to a four-record, ten-year Roc-A-Fella deal that includes worldwide tour options and MTV reality show plans for the unlikely rap star.

“Eminem made all that money just by lying about killing his ex-wife,” Dash said at a press conference outside his new artist’s holding cell. “Let me promise you one thing: if Clark ever sees this bitch outside of these prison walls, he plans to cut her in three pieces and molest her torso.”

The man known as Clark Rocafella is reported to have been working Beacon Hill crowds for several years under the auspices that he was a blood relative to the dynasty, dating back to the days it was helmed by rap mogul Jay-Z. One Brahmin regular who contacted JumpTheTurnStyle on condition of anonymity remembers one time that Clark walked into the Tannery in Back Bay, ordered the whole sneaker section in size 10, and instructed them to put everything on Hova’s tab.

Another close friend confirmed the story. “This fuck told me that he was down with Sauce Money, and that he was down since ‘In My Lifetime,’ and that he oiled up bitches on the ‘Big Pimpin’ set, and blah, blah, blah,” said Maurice “Sir Cam-A-Lot” Kennedy, a bastard mixed nephew of JFK who now serves as the family’s liaison to the rap community. “But after all that perpetrating, now it looks like he might be a Rocafella after all.”

Already, other record labels are scrambling for ways to trump Dash, who plans to drop Clark’s first single, “Fuck An Amber Alert, I’m On Some Platinum Shit,” to coincide with Father’s Day. Dr. Dre is especially interested in exploring this new market; he’s looking for the man who pushed Baby Jessica down a Texas well in 1987. “I never believed that she just fell down that well,” says Dre. “Fuck the police.”

When asked how he responds to critics who question Clark’s credentials – and allege that some of the lineage he claims on record does not hold true in real life – Dash dismissed them as haters, claiming that this particular Rocafella’s criminal background is as brutal as his stone cold lyrics.

“The thing you have to remember about this dude is that he still has an open case in California,” Dash boasted. “What you think – his old landlords just vanished into thin air? I’m not gonna dry snitch on a brother, but I think he’s made it pretty clear with the way he crip-walked in and out of that courtroom that he didn’t come to fuck around.”