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Dancing queen

Bramhall Square
By CAITLIN SHETTERLY  |  April 11, 2007

Cowboy says I can’t dance. That I have no rhythm. He’s worried about our first dance at our wedding. We don’t dance together. Ever. We tried one night after having a few too many glasses of wine and putting Johnny Cash’s "A Boy Named Sue" on the stereo but Cowboy said I was leading and not letting him be the man. I was stealing his mojo.

Cowboy says this tendency of mine emasculates him and that I need to learn how to let him lead, at least with this, because we can’t get up right after our vows and show the whole world that I’m in charge and that he isn’t even allowed to lead a silly dance. He thinks it would give the wrong impression and set a bad precedent. Cowboy wants to be in charge, but barring that he wants to look in charge, at least with this.

So he signed us up for dance lessons at our gym. We worked out first, though I realized too late that both of us wearing sweaty shorts and T-shirts might not help our problem, which may merit the kind of sensuality that I imagine tango to be, having seen all the movies but never tried it myself. Rather than shorts, which make me feel in charge, I need the J.Lo-inspired outfits of flippy skirts and sweat between nicely exposed bits of cleavage with big dangly earrings. No such luck - I'm stuck with an old tank top and dirty Nikes.

When class starts, we need to stand in rows facing each other. But there's a problem.

Teacher: So, let’s have the leaders on this side.

Cowboy and I look at each other.

Teacher: It’s OK, either way these days. Traditionally it’s the man . . . but . . . um . . . either one can lead, if you want. I mean, times have changed.

The teacher looks nervous suddenly and like he’s wishing he wasn’t here.

Me: See?

Cowboy: Baby, just let me lead.

Me: But, he just said these days anything goes. So, we should do what we’re best at.

Cowboy: Babe, I’m best at leading. Trust me.

Me: But . . .

Cowboy: Goddamnit baby, we already talked about this!

Then there’s a tense pause. Everyone’s looking at us. Does no one else have this problem? Are all other girls just born knowing they don’t lead?

Teacher: So . . . Let's get started. Leaders, take your partners' hands.

And then he showed us the step and twirl combination he wanted us to try. He put on "Twist and Shout," and I started twisting and shouting and throwing some steps all over, some of them were even the ones I was supposed to do. Cowboy threw up his hands.

Cowboy: Babe, you need to look at me. You move when I move.

Me: But I was ready to go.

Cowboy: I’m leading.

Me: But you were taking too long.

Cowboy: Which part of me leading don’t you understand?

Me: OK. Go already. Lead.

Cowboy: There’s no twisting in this dance. Just do the steps we learned.

Me: I’m updating them.

Cowboy: They don’t need updating. This is our foundation.

By the end of the night I was almost following his lead, as best I could. I have to admit I kind of liked it when he twirled me around and I could almost imagine that I was wearing a flippy skirt and J.Lo earrings and he was Richard Gere. And Cowboy was just feeling like a man when the Portland Rugby Team burst through the doors and as we tried to finish our last fanciful steps, they started throwing around their balls and acting as macho as possible. And there before my eyes Cowboy wilted a little and our spell was dispersed.

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Caitlin Shetterly: bramhallsquare@yahoo.com

Related: Flora, fauna, and the female figure, The “I” word, The princess bride, More more >
  Topics: Lifestyle Features , Johnny Cash, Culture and Lifestyle, Fashion and Style,  More more >
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Comments
Dancing queen
As a hardcoe madonna fan i feel outraged at how you can wonder why anyone pays attention to her!! I hate you!! Madonna is the best and she is queen of the world...
By Span on 03/20/2007 at 5:53:06
Dancing queen
She will rule for ever more..Ahhhhhhhh! How dare you dis her she is incredible
By Span on 03/20/2007 at 5:55:37
Dancing queen
Simple, Kylie doesn't make infectious pop. Most of her songs are forgettable - obviously. Madge made it in Europe, Australia, the biggest market of all the USA and Asia. Kylie's name and her limited oevre do not ring a bell in Asia and US unlike Madonna. Also, Madonna isn't just a dance artist, she can dig RnB, jazz and a great balladeer- Crazy For You, Take a Bow, You Must Love Me, Live To Tell, This Used to Be A Playground to name very few. Watch out for her new labum and WATCH how Kylie and the rest of your dance divettes follow her. "Madonna is the speedboat and the rest are just the GoGos in skis." I can see a showgirl in those skis.
By popqueenMadonna on 03/20/2007 at 11:08:52
Dancing queen
I am one of the biggest Madonna's fans outthere and for somebody to dis her like that is an outrage!!!!!!! THERE IS NOBODY LIKE HER,NEVER,EVER!!!!!!!! Iam not against Kylie,she has made a name for herself,but she is not comparable to Madonna,whatsoever!!!!!!!! Look at her.........Almost 50 years old,I wish I would look like that and attract young man half her age,still manage to be talked and raved about and that body!!!!!!! So,shut a h... up!!!!!!!!
By Gloria on 03/21/2007 at 1:03:47
Dancing queen
What a preposterous "review"! Must be written from one of those deluded members of Al-Kylieda. Kylie fans are the SCOURGE of the Internet and their propagandistic attempts to elevate her above PAP are amusing. FYI, even in Europe LOCAL STAR Charlene Minogue is not THAT big and she's considered a 5th rate Madonna at best. A more appropriate comparison to Charlene Minogue's "talent" and stature is that of La Toya Jackson.
By MadonnaNation.com on 03/21/2007 at 1:50:37
Dancing queen
Kylie of the planet bland with the perma -smile glued on and the adenoidal shriek voice or gasp for air affectation because she cannot bloody sing is better than Madonna.The Kylie Mooney Cult is madness.She has sold about 15 % of Madonnas sales.It takes 60 venues for her to pull a mere 700,000 audience..most decent singers could do that in 2 nights.give me a break.She is not even that liked in UK or Aus excpoet by gutter press tablouds and that only because she is so conservative and never expresses a controversial opinion in fact she offers no opinion at all.Listen to her juvenile lyrics..which she has to get other morons to write for her too.Personally I think she is just about the worst "singer" I have heard and that inlcudes a lot of Idol rejects.!!!20 years in biz..? Well half of those years she was dead as a dodo and relied on posing fir pics with hardly any clothes on.The rest is merely military PR marketing.without which her "music" has no merit to stand on its own.
By Motherknowsbest on 03/21/2007 at 4:35:47
Dancing queen
As usual the Madge fans fly off the handle at anyone who dares question her so called "reign". For the people that clearly have no idea of the popularity of either artist across the world, both are hugely often over-hyped, but both are incredibly popular in their own way. Kylie Minogue happens to be massively popular across the globe except America, with record chart runs across Europe, Asia and Australasia. She is the 25th Most successfull recording artist of all time, selling in excess of 70-80 million records, which coming from a country with 20 million people in it, would be considered to be a great achievement, comparably Madonna would have to sell over 1 billion records to achieve the same status. This might be sniffed at by some American singing star fans, but as with many American stars, strip away their American sales, and they are left rather wanting around the rest of the globe, Kylie happens to have achieved most of her massive success in the rest of the world - across many different countries and cultures, the US my friends is but one country and to achieve success in one country however large is in now way comparable to achieving success across continents. Kylie is by far and away more successful and popular than just about any American female in the rest of thw world, barring the obvious few, as with most things US, it's fairly easy to sell millions in the US simply because of it's population size and consumerist ways, and perhaps Stadium tours with 80,000 people are popular over there so people like Britney can mime at you, but in Europe we pay good money to actually see and hear singers, and Kylie has more Record breaking arena tours under her belt in the UK, Asia and Australia than Madonna has. You don't have to like her, and you don't have to believe that she is the best singer in the world or you can choose to believe all the rubbish about her like she doesnt write her material or the common US belief that she has only ever had two songs, when the truth is somewhat different, but you cannot take away her now 20 year glittering career and massive cross cultural appeal across most of the world, and I wouldnt for a minute take away anything that Madonna has achieved either, They are different people, and both have achieved enduring success where most other female stars have faded away. Kylie Minogue is now in her 20th year in music and is commercially and artistically stronger now than ever before. Even madonna has struggled to achieve the levels of fame and success she enjoyed in her early career. Perhaps to really get a true grasp on the world of Kylie, if you are so inclined, may I suggest sampling her full and extensive back catalogue because whilst songs like Locomotion and Cant Get You Out of My Head might be the songs you know, there is a far more extensive depth and history to the woman's career, a woman that has achieved everything she has by being a decent human being and not by being an egocentric or full of self importance. Kylie has not had to result to standing completely naked in the middle of a busy street and publish it in a book to somehow justify her existence in some high-brow intellectual way.
By jimmywowa on 03/21/2007 at 3:02:15
Dancing queen
Whoa here come the Al Kyliedia accusing anyone who hates Kylie of being "jealous"...of what a short goat looking woman who sings as if she has a shortage of oxygen to brain. They have to be the MOST obsessed deluded people on earth as they allow for No taste other than the gimp.They simply cannot handle that billions of public do not like her.End of.They always fly off the handle and sit in comfort of Limbo forum slagging off every other female singer on earth.Pathetic.Kylie IS LOW Brow jimmywowa .Almost 10 years of HER career were in the waste bin.She made it back on tabloid PR and a stupid pair of hotpants..jeez......
By Motherknowsbest on 03/21/2007 at 3:53:29
Dancing queen
Well Well Well. stumbled across this article & having read it i can`t see why on earth this has turned into a Madonna v Kylie debate. Nowhere in the above article have i read anything that slags off Madonna (aka the Baby snatcher). don`t madonna fans realise that some people may have a different opinion to themselves or are they so far up their own backsides that they don`t want to listen to anybody other than people who agree with them. Very sad individuals indeed. If you want to debate the pro`s & con`s of these 2 ladies, then discuss it like grown ups. My own personal opinion is that both these artists have a place in todays music scene. Both sets of fans seem to resort to petty name calling & bring nothing constructive to the debate, so please tell me what is the point of it all?. As for slagging someone off for wearing very little clothing. the words pot, kettle & black spring to mind.
By spindoctor on 03/21/2007 at 6:55:30
Dancing queen
The Kylie-Showgirl Live review & subsequent comments have left me with a bemused smile. At first I was a little ticked off by the apparent K vs M mud slinging. Then I read the review that quotes actual sales statistics of the demure Ms. Minogue. And I strongly suggest Madge’s die-hard defenders to perhaps, widen their scope of supposed awareness on Kylie’s career before shooting off. I love Madonna – I think she’s fantastic, dramatic & her contribution to music is next to non-when it comes to the genre that is commercial pop music. Like every great icon, she has played to her strengths over the years, innovating, evolving & shocking her audience into constant new levels to ensure a packed audience over the years. And then we have Kylie. The ‘little’ artist to the American market who knows not better – who don’t understand or get her appeal after moderate success (to them) in recent years. See that’s the thing here – don’t judge what you really don’t know. All on the basis of a 'little' comment made by the writer of this article – ‘still bothers to pay attention to Madonna’ – who like any other artist is entitled to his opinion. While it might be factually over the top – like I said earlier – Madonna is Madonna. That’s beyond debate at this point in time. What I believe rather he is trying to say, fails to understand why the US has never embraced Kylie, the way the rest of the world has. The answer to that one is really simple. North America loves sensationalism. And Madonna is the epitome of that representation. That’s what has long since differentiated the 2 divas as artists. Kylie is who she is by virtue of the person she is, quiet, sexy, girl-next-door - pop princess who has always been defined by the bright lights & music. Her naughty, tongue n cheek style, never taking herself seriously, who’s here to entertain, have a good time, make us feel good & then say goodnight. An actor, who never intended to be a pop star, who was thrust into the mainstream by a song, penned by Brit giants Stock Aitken & Waterman in no less than 5 minutes, because they had simply forgotten she was coming by. And boy, the irony of it all - I should be so lucky - Thus the journey began, from bubble gum pop manufactured artist into the evolved gay icon of today, cutting across cultures all over the world. How did she do it? Simply by being herself – campy, fun loving, life embracing survivor that’s never let anything hold her back or define the person she is or has become. She went from being panned ‘singing budgie’ to a force that even her worst critics were forced to grudgingly admit – has evolved & endured with the intangible ability to succeed. Even Madonna appeared at the MTV Europe awards sporting KYLIE across her chest a few years ago. Ardent fans of both artists will know that Kylie was actually the first (and not Madonna as some have pointed out) to experiment with music trends. ‘Ray of Light,’ perhaps her most critically successful album till date actually has echoes of the sound used on Kylies’ 97 Impossible Princess from a year before, particularly on the title track & Madonna’s Frozen. And it was Kylie who in 2000 embraced disco with her infectious campy ‘Light Years’ comeback after a few bumpy years. Madonna’s Confessions followed years later, in the same style, only highly polished & glittered up for the dance floor. I hope this will find a more neutral ground for ardent fans in both camps. The reality is both Madonna & Kylie are divas of substantial proportions, both iconic in their individual ways. To negate the contribution of either to pop culture would be a highly uninformed judgment by an individual who clearly has no understand of it today.
By Troy S on 03/21/2007 at 6:55:52

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