Oops, I forgot
Weird, weird story out in California, and no surprise that Ron Artest is involved. The onetime Bull and Indiana Pacer, who along with the NFL’s Chad Johnson helped bring the Mohawk back to professional sports this year, was visited on his $1.85 million-dollar estate last week by Animal Services, which accused the crazed hoops star of starving his Great Dane. According to news reports, neighbors complained to authorities that the dog — who goes by the weirdly Clintonian moniker “Socks” — was starving inside the gates of the Artest mansion.
Artest lives in a town called Loomis, in Placer County, outside Sacramento. Now that his dog has been taken away, he has 10 days to request a hearing on the merits of the case.
According to various newspaper reports, neighbors of Artest’s in the Loomis gated community where he lives were so upset by his treatment of Socks that they plan on drawing up an ordinance requiring residents to take good care of their pets.
Artest’s publicist declined comment on the incident.
This isn’t the first incident of animal abuse connected with the NBA. Celtic-for-a-second Qyntel Woods was busted on animal-abuse charges while a member of the famed Jail Blazers squad a few years back. Police suspected Woods of entering his pit bull, Hollywood, in dog fights.
I’m giving Artest 35 points for this incident, and it goes up to 50 if he ends up losing his grievance. We expect NBA players to wave guns at people in the parking lots of strip clubs, but starving a dog just goes too far. David Stern must be nursing a nice healthy aneurysm right now.
Keeping pace
Meanwhile, Artest’s former teammates on the Indiana Pacers suffered yet another nighttime scandal last week, as point guard Jamaal Tinsley, mini-dredded two-guard Marquis Daniels, and recently acquired journeyman Keith McLeod were involved in a mysterious bar fight that reportedly left a bar manager with a fractured jaw and a severed earlobe.
According to reports out of Indianapolis, the trio was relaxing at a tavern called 8 Seconds when a dispute broke out over a customer who had allegedly stolen some coats from the bar. The thief somehow escaped, but in the wake of the incident the hoopsters got into a heated discussion with the bar manager that led to a scuffle. The manager told police he believed that Tinsley was “trying to kill him.”
Tinsley, for his part, denied any involvement in the incident. “I had nothing to do with this,” he said. Daniels concurred: “I am totally innocent.” Pacer coach Rick Carlisle, meanwhile, went for the time-tested “let’s let the judicial system run its course” strategy.
“I know those guys have all issued statements denying the kind of involvement that’s been alleged, and there’s a legal process that we’ve got to respect,” Carlisle said. “That’s kind of where we are.”
The incident occurred, ironically, after a loss to Golden State, the team from whence McLeod came in an eight-player trade that was mainly designed to get Pacer team cancer Stephen Jackson out of town. Jackson and Tinsley had been involved in a classic strip club/parking lot/gunplay incident in October that angered Pacer management. Jackson still faces criminal recklessness charges; Tinsley was not charged in that incident.
There is no word yet on what charges, if any, the three Pacer players may face. Pending that news, I’m giving them each 15 points on the eternal crime scale for being out late and not running from a fight. If it turns out that Tinsley really did sever the guy’s earlobe, he gets an instant nomination for the 2007 Mike Tyson award for criminal perversity, while everyone else will get the usual 30 points for a Jumbo Elliott/bar fight offense.
Foye gets gassed
It was bad enough that Timberwolves rookie guard Randy Foye had to dish off the game-winning pass to Ricky Davis in that heartbreaking 18th-consecutive Celtic loss on Sunday; he made things even worse by getting in a fight at a gas station at 2 am later that night.
The charges were apparently not serious, as Foye was only given a citation for being involved in a scuffle at a filling station about two miles south of the Target Center. But we’re giving him 20 points anyway, mainly for beating the poor Celtics while they are down. Why not just lose the game? It’s not like the Wolves are going anywhere this season.
When he’s not googling “pet starvation” and “perversity,” Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. He can be reached atM_Taibbi@yahoo.com.
YEARLY LEADER BOARD
LaVon Chisley, Penn State: Murder 99
6 Football Players, Guilford: Assault 50 (downgraded)
Kat. Maekawa, Orix Buffaloes: DUI, Hit/run 47
Ron Artest, Kings: Starving Socks 35
Lionel Sullivan, BGSU: stealing video games, being a dumbass 31
Dax Crum, ASU: DUI 30
Mike Tyson,n/a: Coke, DUI 28
Rashaun Broadus, BYU hoops: DUI, having Snoop Dogg’s last name 26
Ryan Krause, Chargers: DUI 25
Dontrelle Willis, Marlins: DUI, peeing 23
Randy Foye, T-Wolves: Fighting 20
Minny P.D., n/a: tasering 20
Karl Luchsinger, OSU: Bar fighting 18
Tinsley/Daniels/McLeod, Pacers: Fighting 15
Mobile P.D., n/a: being dicks 5
Howard Stirgus, Denton: Bomb threats 3
Kyle McLarney, Notre Dame: weed possession 1
Elijah Dukes, Devil Rays: Weed, being black and not giving a fuck 0.5
