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The 100 unsexiest men in the world

Who would Scarlett least like to be with?
By BILL JENSEN & RYAN STEWART  |  March 27, 2008

Unsexiest Men: 2008 edition

UNSEXIEST: Gottfried may have been the best at telling the "Aristocrats" joke, but we don't want to sleep with him.Welcome to the first installment of's 100 Unsexiest Men in the World. After pouring through thousands of photographs, millions of frames of movies and TV shows, the staff at has compiled a list of the least sexy males on the planet.

1. Gilbert Gottfried: Rumor has it that Gilbert is the heir apparent to Uncle Milty when it comes to what he's packing, but that still can't save him. The parrot-voiced, pickled-face comic is to sexy what Kryptonite is to Superman.

2. Randy Johnson: If he couldn't throw a ball 100 miles per hour, Johnson would be wearing a wife beater and getting hauled into a squad car on Cops. Could you imagine the nights when he pitched to Otis Nixon?

3. Roger Ebert: Yes, he lost all that weight. Yes, you still wouldn't fuck him.

4. Dr. Phil: Being a know-it-all is never sexy. Being a know-it-all who is also a bald-headed prick is downright horrid.

5. Alan Colmes: Not really fair, since he's got to sit next to brown shirt-stud Hannity each night. But Colmes - lazy eye, unkept hair, droopy features - has a face made for radio. Pirate radio. Garr!!

6. Chad Kroeger: It's not just the massive head, weird face, and bad hair. It's also the fact that he's in Nickelback, the worst band since the dawn of music.

7. Mike Mills: You'd want to talk music with the bassist from REM. Sleep with? Not unless you're trying to get to Pete Buck.

KROEGER: You know he'd want to listen to his music in bed . . .8. Osama Bin Laden: Power is sexy (notice how Dick Cheney isn't on the list). But a 6'5", no-vertical-leap mass murdering douche bag is not getting any style points.

9. Jay Leno: "It would be like having sex with a banana, but not in a good way," was what one of our staffers remarked about the fruit-headed comic.

10. Don Imus: "It would be like having sex with an old leather bag, but not in a good way," was what the same staffer remarked about the bag of skin and bones.

11. Michael Jackson: What happens when an ugly JC Penny manequin has sex with Pogo, the clown identity of serial killer John Wayne Gacy.

12. Wallace Shawn: Even if you're attracted to his rounded dome, how can anyone get past that nasally lisp?

13.  Mike D. of the Beastie Boys: We hate to do this. But the sickly looking Beastie "did it like this, did it like that, did it with a wiffle ball bat . . . because no one would want to get within three feet of him naked.

14. Richard Simmons: Words don't do it justice.

15. Jon Lovitz: Bald, annoying, unfunny, and hair in the all the wrong places. For all we know, he was running through the cast of League of Their Own. But we doubt it.

16. Carrot Top: Sheer obnoxiousness necessitates his placement on this list.

17. Jerry Seinfeld: This is for everyone who has ever yelled at the TV when Jerry brought home another model on Seinfeld.

18. Malcolm Gladwell: The Tipping Point.

19. Chevy Chase: He got unfunny with age. Then he got ugly.

20. Raffi: Maybe it's his proffession. But no one surveyed, man or woman, could think of any situation in which they would bed down with him.

21. Ron Howard: He was cute as Opie, passable as Richie, but now as Ron Howard, he's just plain weird-looking. Especially with a beard.

22. Clint Howard: Ron's younger, balder, and weirder-looking brother. Yes, weirder looking than Ron Howard.

23. Bill Gates: To quote Dana Carvey: "Gates apparently made a deal with the devil – 'You can have $60 billion, but you have to go through life looking like a turtle.'"

24. Paul Shaffer: The bic'd look does not work for everyone, plus he makes all those crazy faces while he plays.

UNFORGETTABLE: Axl's VMA appearance may not have prevented him from getting any groupies, but it does earn him a spot on this list25. Axl Rose: I mean . . . did you see the 2003 VMAs?

26. Tim Burton: He's got the Robert Smith hair coupled with a mighty hunch. Yet he's dating Helena Bonham Carter.

27. Edward James Olmos: Remember season one of South Park? When Kenny was a zombie, everyone assumed it was an Edward James Olmos costume. Wonder why.

28. Gerard Way (from My Chemical Romance): Luckiest dude since Ringo. Or at the very least, since D12.

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The 100 unsexiest men in the world
What about Frank Beamer, head coach of Virgina Tech. Google him, he has a serious appendage on his face.
By dotcompadre on 03/30/2006 at 2:21:45
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Chad Kroeger UNsexy??? You got to be kidding!-- he defines the word sexy! He's like a Greek God. I get goosebumps just watching him! Who's opinion is this anyways, a man's??? And since when is a multiplatinum band considered the worst?! This article is completely ridiculous, immature, and disrespectful.
By stumped on 04/01/2006 at 12:44:03
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Wow, Chad Kroeger's publicist posts here?
By rst on 04/01/2006 at 12:54:30
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Frank Beamer's scarred face is the result of an accident, not genetics. I think he's attractive for an older guy.
By vamtngal on 04/03/2006 at 8:24:46
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Clay Aiken unsexy? On what planet is this guy not sexy? // //$file/clayaiken.jpg
By kaboom on 04/04/2006 at 1:31:45
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Sure I watched VMAs1993.....I watched it hundreds of time because I can't get enough to see how pretty & hot is W.AXL ROSE!!!!!!! Who wrote all this b....shit list must be just a poor jealous bastard!!!!!!!
By Wild Rose on 04/04/2006 at 2:19:49
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
I think that CLAY AIKEN is definitely THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!!! Apparently the writer of this article has never attended a Clay concert or has really analyzed Clay's beauty on TV or Clay's star quality in his photo shoots.
By clayaikenrulez1 on 04/04/2006 at 2:37:44
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
#1. Conan O'Brien. How the hell did you miss this obvious first choice. Gilbert Gottfried is uber sexy next to this homely bowl of Ewww!
By Jake on 04/04/2006 at 5:13:16
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Roger Ebert has cancer of the mouth. Shame on you. And Clay Aiken rules.
By robtcoll on 04/04/2006 at 6:08:25
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
OMG, the ClayMates have struck! Nothing like an angry middle aged woman with an inappropriate crush on an imaginary singer to generate some ire.
By RandomHookup on 04/04/2006 at 8:13:31
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
For the most part this list is right on...but totally unfair to some! Let the people vote! How could one miss STEVE BUSCEMI? I love to watch him act but COME ON! He ain't that sexy!
By shipsatsea on 04/04/2006 at 9:28:01
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
I'm surprised to see there aren't more Jon Lovitz defenders.
By rst on 04/04/2006 at 9:53:32
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Middle-aged fans? You pick that up at the cliche store? I can't speak for the others who posted but I'm 19 and I think Clay is HOT.
By kaboom on 04/04/2006 at 12:42:06
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Axl Rose? Unsexy? erm... well he may of let go of himself slightly in recent years, but Axl in the 80's is the hottest thing EVER. Surely that must be enough to keep him out of any such list??? Basically Axl is hot. And even if he has weird braids and stuff these days, I'd still have him ^.^
By fenderstrat on 04/04/2006 at 12:46:38
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
I was so shocked by seeing Clay Aiken on there that I didn't pay attention to the rest of the list. You're also VERY wrong about Chad Kroeger, Chris Kattan, Lyle Lovett, and Robert Patrick. All of them are sex-ay
By kaboom on 04/04/2006 at 1:04:10
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Gerard Way...unsexy? Are you kidding? Have a look on sites like for pics and their comments. A LOT of comments about how sexy he is. And how is Marilyn Manson not on there?
By usedromance on 04/04/2006 at 5:15:40
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
What does a fella have to do to get on this list???....I'm as unsexy as they come...Ever since I was 10, I told my parents I wanted to get into broadcasting....They said I should, that I've always had a great face for radio
By Unsexy on 04/04/2006 at 6:22:48
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Oh come now, certainly next to Conan O'Brien (which I agree should be #1) is #2: Steve Buscemi! Great actor, horrible features!
By pro_amateur on 04/04/2006 at 8:01:59
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
How could anyone miss the unsexy Prez Bush?
By pro_amateur on 04/04/2006 at 8:09:55
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
OMG OMG GERARD is sooo frikin HOT how did he evn get on dat list!?! omg if one person make dat up...dey r gonna pay! Gee is so sexy he is so adorable!!!!some people need to open their view on Gee and visit fan sites ( and CHANGE THIER MINDS NOW!!! btw buzznet is da best music fan site ever!!!Wo00o0o0 GO THE GOTHS
By gerard_way_obsessed!! on 04/05/2006 at 12:20:02
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Bill Jensen & Ryan Stewart (the writers of this list) are little cum bubbles. 2 little bubbles that their parents wished they had captured with a condom. Guys judging guys on sexiness, that’s totally sexy…NOT! Chad Kroeger is hot in my book. P.S. – Ryan & Bill – get fucked! Try a female, you guys might like it :)
By silver on 04/05/2006 at 1:17:57
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
LMAO. I love the comment about the people who wrote the articles being little cum bubbles. At any rate. Arguing the list is pointless, as everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I thought it was funny, and nicely done. Now. Gerard Way. He is only "sexy" with make up on. Have you seen him without make up? It it THE MOST hideous thing ever. So all of the people who are ranting about him, check out those pictures and tell me he's still sexy. Clay Aiken. He really isn't sexy. He's like... The kind of cute that makes you go "Awwww... Wait, what is it?" But he's definitely not sexy. Chad Kroeger. I don't know. He has his moments where he's attractive, but yes, for the most part, he's unsexy.
By hahaha_this_article_rocked on 04/05/2006 at 8:35:35
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Ok...there is 1 major problem with this list, 2 GUYS WROTE IT! Why are 2 guys writing the "100 most unsexy men list"?? That's just wrong, and it's the reason why the list is so flawed. Next time, let a girl in on it. P.S. Right on about Clay Aiken, he is god-awful ugly.
By dsmgirl on 04/05/2006 at 1:36:38
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
How can you not put MARC ANTHONY on the list.He's the most ugly disgusting looking thing,not to mention zombie looking man on the planet.
By lisa on 04/05/2006 at 3:20:10
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
Dr.Phil are you kidding me what a manly man. I love him. Chad Kroeger is hot also. I agree with Clay Aiken yuck and thank goodness GW wasn't on there. He's also a sexy man!!!!
By buckeyesrule on 04/05/2006 at 5:26:58
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
I'd give my right arm for one night with Chad Kroeger. He is such a HUNK!
By dreamer on 04/05/2006 at 11:07:15
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
---------------#####---------------- ---------------#####---------------- HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT GERARD WAY IS UNSEXY!! YOU f**KERS!! ---------------#####---------------- ---------------#####----------------
By the_pills_counteract_the_booze on 04/05/2006 at 11:21:57
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
i think the list is pretty good. and i'm shocked by how many females actually think the nickelback guy is attractive. he definitely deserves to be on the list. and i think nickelback should even have it's own place on this list. they're that disgusting. and i have a few others that i think should be on here.. Steve Buscemi: (i agree with who suggested it earlier) Roberto Benigni Quentin Tarantino: love is movies.. but he's hideous Randy Jackson Sheldon Williams: i hate duke enough as it is.. but looking at him seriously makes me want to vomit.
By shimiedown on 04/05/2006 at 11:59:59
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
By sexy-dark-angeleyes on 04/06/2006 at 12:03:37
The 100 unsexiest men in the world
to clear up my last comment (because i clearly needed commas): Steve Buscemi, Roberto Benigni, Quentin Tarantino, Randy Jackson, and Sheldon Williams.... all... hideous
By shimiedown on 04/06/2006 at 12:04:50

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