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Law & Disorder: The Best of Last Semester's Campus Crime Logs

Plenty of people told you college would be the best time of your life. Now that you're at least a semester in, you know they are all liars.

You've found yourself in some seriously rough spots since your undergrad career began. Chasing a handful of your roommate's Ritalin with a bottle of Jäger seemed like a great idea. Then you woke up covered in urine (yours, you hope) in the dumpster behind Espresso Royale with a citation for underage drinking glued to your forehead. And the guy who promised to watch your laptop, cell phone, and wallet for an hour while you went streaking didn't turn out to be as trustworthy as his honest face implied. Yeah, college can totally suck sometimes.

Fear not. Your troubles are nothing extraordinary. Incident logs available online and/or at campus police stations display laundry lists of amateur-hour escapades and bike/backpack/wallet/gadget thefts. A big list of those would've been pretty redundant, so here are some amusing, singular shenanigans and trends from last semester culled from public records (and the Huntington News's outstanding Crime Log) for your enjoyment.

THE TOP THREE "WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?" INCIDENTS FROM THE EMERSON CRIME LOG

1_ WHO THE FUCK STEALS A WREATH? At an undetermined time on December 11, some Grinch-like motherfucker stole a wreath off a door on Spruce Street. Let us hope the perp received coal for Christmas. Coal . . . and doom.

2_ WHO THE FUCK BURNS A PUZZLE? On the morning of November 18, an obviously frustrated student set an obviously difficult puzzle ablaze on the 10th floor of the Little Building, according to a conduct coordinator.

3_ WHO THE FUCK SHOWS UP DRUNK TO THE PUBLIC SAFETY DEPARTMENT? According to a log dated December 16, an Emerson student sauntered into Public Safety around 2 am and requested a pair of temporary school IDs for himself and his non–Emerson student friend. Officers deemed the student intoxicated. This raises questions: what reason could the gentleman have for wanting to pass his accomplice off as an Emersonian? Why couldn't he wait an hour and drink a glass of water before subjecting himself to the cops?