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The Big Hurt: Pancakes! Lent! Golf!

This month's inessential press releases
By DAVID THORPE  |  March 24, 2011

main_BIGHURT_BatterBlaster2
March has been a true delight in the music-PR department — I haven't seen this many dumbshit stunts since Jackass 3D. Let's roll up our sleeves and thrust our hands elbow deep into a steaming pile of press releases:


"National Pancake and Waffle Batter Company Strikes a Chord with Music Fans"

As any marketer knows, no two industries are as closely linked as the pop-music industry and the spray-on pancake- and waffle-batter industry. Batter Blaster, a leader in pressurized breakfast goo, is using its "longtime musical relationships" to provide an amazing brand experience:

"Batter Blaster's team has an incredible passion for music and deep ties to rock 'n' roll and the music industry," said Batter Blaster CEO Sean O'Connor. "Through our partnerships and connections, we're set to share 365 great tracks over the course of the next 12 months." Although the release doesn't detail just what these deep ties are, they're sure paying off: just by calling **BLAST from any cell phone, waffle-whippiting youths can download new tracks from happening beat groups like Wavves and the Civil Wars.

Is this a sincere marriage of art and commerce, as the Batter Blaster fat cats would have you believe, or just another disheartening example of indie bands selling their souls to hop in bed with Big Aerosol Pancake? After much meditation, I discover that I sincerely don't give a shit. In the end, I wound up with a passable free Dodos track but remained unimpressed with the concept of spraying buttermilk slurry on a hot griddle. (Although, I'm not sure why I thought of this, spraying it directly into a dog's mouth sounds absolutely delightful.)


"Is 'Techno-Monk' John Michael Talbot Giving Up Facebook for Lent?"

An intriguing theological question is posed in this headline! Is an immensely bearded Catholic recording artist, who for unknown reasons thinks it's cool to keep referring to himself as a "Techno-Monk," going to make the ultimate online sacrifice to appease his angry God?

"This might be a good idea in order to break an addiction to technology but it is not necessary for everyone, or even most. . . . We will still be posting during Lent. In fact, I have completed a new recording, 'Worship and Bow Down,' which will be made available as an advanced digital download to our special Facebook friends by Easter."

No. The answer is no. He's not giving up Facebook for Lent. Our curiosity has been fully rewarded. Thank you, John Michael Talbot, Techno-Monk, for this press release. I won't be giving up petting dogs for Memorial Day; expect my release shortly.


"G4S Song Anticipated To Go Gold"

Some asshole marketing dude at security megafirm G4S thinks he's a pretty big genius for this one: he's hired professional songwriters to pen an inspiring ditty about his company, and now he's trying to make it "go gold," generate a bunch of money for an unspecified charity, and build a bunch of good PR for a company best known for deporting poor people, accidentally killing detainees, and other assorted jackbooted thuggery:

"G4S is the world's second largest private sector employer and executives at the corporation are hopeful that a large proportion of their global workforce will support the download of their new G4S song entitled 'Securing Your World.' In doing so, the company hopes to raise substantial funds for charity."

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Related: The Big Hurt: 10-year glitch, Spose, radio star, The Big Hurt: Sex Pistols perfume, More more >
  Topics: Music Features , Music, Gaetano Donizetti, Facebook,  More more >
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5 Comments / Add Comment

chefbatterblaster

Hi David, as one of the guys behind the "disheartening" Batter Blaster music campaign, I wonder if you'd bothered to make a call to find out that the "fat cats at Big Aerosol Pancake" are actually just 12 people who used to work at bars, indie record labels and restaurants (originally, there were only 3
people but occasionally you have to hire people to, y'know, sell things and build things). I also wonder if you have any other ideas how to market a small food product in an incredibly competitive business, in an industry
older than any other, with zero marketing budget. Clearly, by your article, you possess such wisdom, so please, spell it out for us. Don't bother with Powerpoint or anything complicated, I'm sure you don't have time for that, as you clearly don't have time to follow up on press releases, fact check, or any of the other basics of "journalism." Otherwise we'll be sure to run our ideas past you next time.

Sincerely, one of the dumbshits at Batter Blaster.
Posted: March 23 2011 at 6:46 PM

TheNewman

The gauntlet has been thrown! Does David Thorpe possess the wherewithal to market a thoroughly pointless product with zero budget? Can he operate complicated marketing tools such as Powerpoint?

I, for one, doubt his journalistic credibility will survive the lack of factchecking and followup that a press release from Batterblaster demands.
Posted: March 23 2011 at 7:32 PM

David Thorpe

Mr. Batter Blaster,

Thank you for your comment. I am enjoying my free Batter Blaster tunes. Can you advise me re: the safety of spraying Batter Blaster directly into the mouth of a dog?

- David Thorpe
Posted: March 24 2011 at 4:21 PM

David Thorpe

P.S. - Please email me at dthorpe@thephoenix.com and I'll make sure the Batter Blaster side of the story is fully and fairly represented in my next column.
Posted: March 24 2011 at 4:37 PM

RATMOMMA4

I for one am concerned about this & will be switching my Pancake Breakfasts to another brand.
Posted: March 25 2011 at 12:55 PM
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    March has been a true delight in the music-PR department — I haven't seen this many dumbshit stunts since Jackass 3D . Let's roll up our sleeves and thrust our hands elbow deep into a steaming pile of press releases:
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