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Editors' note: We selected David S. Bernstein to serve as our resident Rapture expert, on account of his having seen all three Kirk Cameron Left Behind series film adaptations.
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I'm riding shotgun through Times Square in a flatbed truck draped with placards, advertising the impending End of Days: HAVE YOU HEARD THE AWESOME NEWS?
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Pets — no matter how cuddly — lack souls. While their pious masters are frolicking with Jesus, loyal puppies, adorable kitties, and stalwart goldfish will find themselves alone in a terrifying hell on Earth.
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Okay, I'm not happy , exactly, that, as a Jew, I am excluded from Saturday's date with Heaven's eternal rewards, and will instead be left to suffer through great tribulations before perishing, with the rest of the Army of the Antichrist, as a dismembered corpse beneath a waste-deep river of blood.
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After the Rapture, God will reward the suffering of the righteous with infinite, indescribable joy.
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