US Airways Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, who pulled off the "Miracle on the Hudson" emergency landing, was found beaten to death by the national media. Thus far the only people actually indicted for the killing have been NBC's Matt Lauer and CBS's Katie Couric, although thousands of reporters in newsrooms across the country are targets of the ongoing investigation.
"It started off like a party the first couple of days celebrating the 'Miracle'," said media consultant T.V. Caesar. "But after a few days, they started flogging him 24/7, and all you heard and saw after that was media people just pummeling him non-stop, hitting him with their stories from all directions until he and the public were numb, and then he went into a coma. And the worst part was they pretended like he was their friend and they knew him, calling him 'Sully,' and acting like they were old pals. It was perverse, pitiful, and painful to watch. I finally had to turn off the set."
Captain Sullenberger will be laid to rest as soon as a blond child is abducted or a good-looking white woman is murdered.
Goodnight, Chet. Goodnight, David.
Hang 'em high
P+J are a bit puzzled that some Web site has not yet started printing the home addresses of the financial Masters of the Universe who bankrupted pensions and caused what some call the worst financial catastrophe since the Great Depression, for their own greedy ends.
Since our members of Congress seem constitutionally incapable of demanding any accountability for the billions in taxpayers' bailout money, throwing our money at their rich white Wall Street friends like drunken sailors in a titty bar to keep them from going broke, P+J believe the time has come for some frontier justice.
Since the SEC and the country's legal system have no intention of enforcing the law with any consequences, let's take the angry mob right to the residences of those top execs from Lehman Brothers, Goldman Sachs, Merrill Lynch, and every other firm that has bilked the people.
It's simple and subtle. Just ring the doorbell, drag them out of their house, beat them to within an inch of their overblown lifestyles, and then set fire to their homes. The approach seemed to work well in getting one's point across in the Wild West.
Why any number of off-duty cops, firefighters, or hard-working guys wearing the replica jerseys and turned-around baseball caps and yelling in sports bars haven't done this already is a mystery to us.
Throw in some enraged scalpel-toting nurses, furious, sharpened pencil-wielding elementary school teachers, and engineers with filed-down compasses, and we've got a pretty persuasive posse of pissed-off poor people.
One of the first corporate bandits we would go after is the loathsome John Thain, former ramrod at Merrill Lynch, who was just canned by Bank of America. Not only did this sleaze hand out $4 billion in year-end bonuses, seemingly in taxpayer money, shortly before Bank of America's takeover of Merrill Lynch, he also had his office furnished to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars, including a $35,000 "commode with legs" — which P+J believe is a great description for the man himself. He should be the first one dragged down the street of his gated community behind a golf cart.
What's in a word?
From the Washington Post's "Mensa Invitational," which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
The Post also publishes the winning submissions to a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Some top ones:
Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Negligent: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
Lymph: To walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.
Pokemon: A Rastafarian proctologist.
Circumvent: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
R.I.P., Robert L. Cummings
The Biggest Little has always had a diverse and exciting musical culture. And for the past 30 years, we had at least one first-class a cappella doo-wop group, the Pink Tuxedos, until last week, that is.
Bob Cummings who, with his brother Gary, was a founding member of the Tuxedos, died suddenly, and way too soon, at home in Swansea last Tuesday. Bob was a Providence native, a Green Beret, a husband and father, and a great bundle of energy, love, and enthusiasm. In short, it was always a pleasure to see him. He will be greatly missed, and we extend our deepest sympathy to his family.