The bar is closed, your friends are unconscious, but you still need a drink — and to be entertained. Movies are too passive; talking is too stupid. The only solution: drunk video gaming.Oh, don’t act surprised. Like everything else, booze makes video games better — games can keep you occupied while you chug, you can play with your drinking buddies or by yourself, and games don’t require you to dig through your closet for dice or cards. Here’s 10 of the best games, both current and obnoxiously old, to play with a controller in one hand and a bottle of Cutty Sark in the other.
Guitar Hero
When sloshed, we all inherently believe that — given a guitar and maybe a quick lesson or two — we could be rock stars. Red Octane’s indescribably awesome guitar-video provides the same thing via a guitar shaped controller that lets you hit frets and strum along to songs like “Ziggy Stardust,” the Donnas’ “Take It Off,” “Iron Man” and dozens more. Combine the two (drink and Guitar Hero) and you’re in for a night of inebriated magic. Either alone or with fellow drinkers, drunk Guitar Hero is so much fun that even the tightest drunks will wait patiently for their turn to shred “Ace of Spades.”
Remember, real rock stars are all performing wasted anyways, so boozing should have been a Guitar Hero requirement anyway — plus, a nice buzz makes it hurt less when you try to strum the plastic controller with your teeth. If playing solo doesn’t meet your party needs, two controllers lets two drunkards rock dueling guitars, but look for Guitar Hero II this fall, where the back-up performer can play bass. Remember, a good host let guests choose their instruments — but ladies will choose the guitarist over the bassist every time. (PS2)
Mario Kart
Forget everything that the D.A.R.E. officer told you in fourth grade. Drunk driving is great — assuming you’re an Italian plumber holding a turtle shell of mass destruction, that is. Few boozy experiences can match the pure glory of drunken Nintendo’s Mario Kart: wandering on and off the wacky, trap-laden tracks; firing turtle shells at opponents to stall their karts or collecting stars to become temporarily invincible (it’s a Mario thing); or racing against Nintendo stalwarts Luigi, Toad, and Yoshi. The glory is that Kart works whether racing equally tight friends or battling the bastard/cheating computer opponents. And it makes for a keen drinking game — players take a drink for every place behind first they get (note that losers often stay losers, especially if the drink is whiskey). Hunt down the Nintendo 64 version instead of the more recent GameCube Mario Kart Double Dash for an exponentially better game. (Nintendo 64, GameCube)
Grand Theft Auto
Pick any of the venerated prostitute-killing simulators, and let your Id flag fly. The open-ended game of thuggery lets you steal cars, kill people (criminals, civilians, and the aforementioned prostitutes), and with 10 shots of Scotch under your belt, there’s no better way to look into the darkest depths of your soul. Ignore the mafia missions and simply see where your subconsciousness takes you. Will you simply toss an old woman out of her Cadillac and spin donuts in front of an office building? Grab a shotgun and aerate the general populace? Enter the secret code to get the tank and lead a parade of police helicopters and SWAT teams determined to put a bullet in your brain? Down a few 40s, and see exactly what you’re capable of!
For true self-examination, keep playing and drinking until you have a drinking black-out. Waking up with a controller in your hands, the devil in your brain, and dozens of dead, digital prostitutes stacked like cordwood on your TV screens is the real time to discover how you feel about you. (PS2, Xbox)
Super Bomberman
One button: to lay bombs. One goal: to blow everyone up, using said bombs. Bomberman is quick, simple and a drunkard’s videogame masterpiece, in that it’s easy to play, and even easier to cackle madly when you blow up your friends. Accept the fact that you’re far too drunk not to blow yourself up as well, and you’ll have a much better time. (Super Nintendo)
Soul Calibur
Fighting videogames make up a massive part of the entertainment for any good geek get together, but don’t count it out for your social gathering. Fighting games are great because they let your guests compete. The down-side is that most games are either too hard or else one guy really knows how to play and will thrash your other guests into hating him — and you for starting the game in the first place. The Soul Calibur series does not have this problem. Somehow, gamemakers Namco have found the perfect fighting engine, where seasoned masters who know all the moves and blitzed 20-year-old girls mashing on the buttons have a level playing field. Plus, all the moves are so well animated that even random button-pressing make your character look like he’s a jiujutsu badass. (PS2, GameCube, Xbox)
