FEELING FUZZY: Mike Tyson, whose mustache makes him look like he has fuzzy caterpillars in his nose, was booked on cocaine charges after nearly hitting a police SUV.

Iron Mike returns
What a way to start off 2007! Mike Tyson has formally entered the “Sonny-Liston-cruising-East-Las-Vegas-on-smack, drifting-diagonally-through-red-lights-with-his-eyes-half-closed,” pre-mafia-leg-breaking phase of his boxing career. Iron Mike got popped on cocaine charges in Arizona last week, ending up in the same Scottsdale jail where, just weeks before, he warned young offenders about the dangers of drugs.

When arrested, Mike was dressed like a caddy on the Challenger Circuit, in a hideous oversize yellow golf shirt and tennis shoes. “Mike admitted to having bags of cocaine and said he uses any time he can get his hands on it,” according to the police report.

Tyson was stopped after he nearly rammed into a police SUV. Cops then allegedly saw Tyson try to frantically wipe white powder off his BMW console. He ended up with DUI and simple possession charges and is due in court on January 15.

As is usually the case with Tyson’s arrests, he reverted to his placid Dr. Jekyll state upon capture and was a “perfect gentleman” in custody, according to police. Unlike Sonny Liston, to whom Mike will probably forever be compared (equally for his in-ring ferocity, his attitude toward women, and his post-career death spiral), Tyson has a striving-to-be-good side whose chin seems to get weaker as he gets older. It’s particularly sad that Tyson was busted now, given his fine performance in Rocky Balboa, since he might have made a transition into the Leslie Nielsen/Robert Goulet self-parody phase of his career. (“Yeah, and you got that midget wif you!” he screams at Antonio Tarver, with convincing incoherence.) That looks less likely now.

Incidentally, Tyson has been in trouble in Arizona before; he was arrested a few years back for jumping on the hood of a stranger’s car, causing $1400 in damage.

Under our new scoring system, Tyson’s latest escapade scores a 28: 25 points for operating a motor vehicle under the influence, two points for possession (one for each baggie), and one point for the hideous mustache he was wearing in his mug shot. It looks like he had a pair of fox-moth caterpillars crawling out of his nostrils.

I haven’t finished my calculations yet, but I believe Tyson has almost earned a Lawrence Phillips Award for lifetime sports-crime achievement (500 career points). He’s got 85 for the rape conviction and at least 50 for chewing off part of Evander Holyfield’s ear. But he also has lots of mitigating factors, including his righteous on-street ass-whipping of Mitch “Blood” Green (minus 30 points) and his leaping-over-the-counter-with-rope-stand-truncheon assault of an obnoxious heckler in a Brooklyn hotel, which was captured on videotape but never released to the public. I’ll have the final numbers on that by next week.

Travis Taser
In other news, Minnesota Vikings wideout Travis Taylor was the first athlete to be Tasered in the New Year. Bob Reno’s excellent Web site, Badjocks.com, has begun keeping records of such incidents and will soon replace his much-acclaimed annual list of high-school-coach-and-child-abuse incidents with the new Taser tab.

The Taylor arrest falls in the Gil Arenas category of highly suspicious busts involving athletes who refuse to move when ordered to do so by police. You’ll recall that Arenas and Awvee Storey got popped in Miami Beach last summer for getting out of their cars at the wrong time (one cop asked Arenas if he had tattoos and what his “street name” was — to which Arenas replied “Zero Hero”). In a somewhat similar situation, Taylor was standing outside a nightclub at 3 am when police ordered him to move along. He apparently refused and, although there are differing versions of the story, it appears police Tasered him at some point in the process. He’ll face a ridiculous list of charges, including disorderly conduct, fifth-degree assault, and interference with pedestrian or vehicular traffic.

Until I see more information on this case, I’m giving Taylor no points and I’m giving 20 to the Minneapolis police. Again, you heard it here first: sooner than later, a famous athlete is going to die in a Taser incident. Cops better hope the provocation is something more serious than being black and “interfering with pedestrian traffic.”

The yearly leader board (Jock Team Crime Points):
Mike Tyson, n/a, Coke, DUI, bad mustache 28
Dontrelle Willis, Florida Marlins, DUI, peeing 23
Minneapolis police, n/a, Tasering 20
Kyle McLarney, Notre Dame (hoops), weed possession 1

When he’s not googling “caterpillar mug shots” and “preemptive Taserings,” Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. He can be reached at M_Taibbi@yahoo.com .