The editors of Time and Spin made the executive decision that You were Person and Artist, respectively, of the year 2006. And a certain Britney Spears is taking note of your influence. In a “Letter of Truth” posted to her official Web site on Friday, January 5, Britney summarized some of her hopes and goals for 2007: “I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever, and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level.”
Two days later, a company called LCAA Productions posted a casting call on Miami Craig’s List for a new yet-to-be-named Britney Spears reality-show contest. But unlike the car-sick dramarama of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, Brit and K-Fed’s home video lust-a-thon that aired on UPN in 2005 to terrible reviews and ratings, Britney isn’t the star of this show. Neither is her manager Larry Rudolph, or her PR rep Leslie Sloane, or the assistants, stylists, bookers, and producers paid to record her new album and prep her for the joyous celebrity renaissance she dreams will follow. Perhaps they’re too busy covertly deleting and re-deleting K-Fed’s cell number from her Blackberry so that she can’t booty-call him for bittersweet post-separation sex when she’s supposed to be cutting tracks in the studio. That doesn’t leave much energy for the actual dirty work of repositioning Brit back into the warm glow of the It Girl spotlight.
Which is exactly why Brit needs You — yes, You! — not just to star in her show, but to tell her, step by step, exactly how to stop fucking up. While you’re at it, you can re-school her on how to behave like a well-curbed pop star. “Britney is looking to surround herself with a new team,” LGAA announced. “Each week, a new contestant will walk and work by her side 24 hours a day, for 5 straight days. Your job will be to give her guidance, perception and help her with her.” So if you were the girl who saw pictures of Brit being escorted out of Pure nightclub on New Year’s Eve looking like a hot mess, and immediately thought, “Didn’t anyone tell her to brush her hair tonight?” then you are more than eligible. Alternatively, if you’re the type of guy who used to fantasize about Brit in her “Oops”-era schoolgirl outfit and now can’t picture her in anything but bad eye makeup, hair curlers, and an ill-fitting velour J-Lo jump-suit, it’s certain that you, too, can provide the former bubblegum princess a great service by auditioning. They’re looking for eight males and eight females to spend 16 weeks competing for the chance to make “Britney’s new team.”
“I know I’ve been far from perfect, and the media has had a lot of fun exaggerating my every move,” Britney lamented last week. “But I want you all to know that I love my fans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!” The casting call has already been flagged and removed from Craig’s List, though it seems fair to assume they won’t have any trouble getting one of You to explain to Brit, kindly yet firmly, to please, for the love of God, put her panties back on, stay away from Paris, and start sending suggestive texts to Justin before Scarlett Johansson sinks her claws in any further. Your career doesn’t have nine lives, Brit. Don’t blow it this time.