HMMM...: Some high-school football players missed the point of Fight Club

A bunch of former high-school football players from Murrieta, California, are in serious trouble after being booked on a variety of bizarre charges for their involvement with a “fight club” created in honor of the surprisingly good eponymous Brad Pitt vehicle.

At least seven young men were arrested on suspicion of assault, burglary and making terror threats, among other things. The group wore caps with an “FC” emblem and initially fought each other in parks in Riverside County; they also beat up other students who bad-mouthed their members.

“Eventually, the gang began fighting at house parties where adults were not present, intimidating and beating guests, then returning later to burglarize the homes,” a local police official said. The members were also charged with possession of firearms and anabolic steroids.

Apparently the kids missed the point of Fight Club, which upheld fight clubs as a heroic fictional escape from consumerism and the bourgeois ennui of corporate middle-management cubicle slaves. Fight clubs in the movie were for people who were, in reality, too meek and too powerless to fight against the soullessness of modern existence. They were not for a bunch of beered-up, over-aggressive football-playing douche bags on steroids.

But hey, high-school football is not for kids with brains. Neither is prison, where these idiots will hopefully learn how fun fighting is in real life. I’m giving these swine a 75 on the crime scale for being vicious, classless, charmless bullies; let’s hope they get serious time.

Yankee went home — drunk
Steve Swindal, son-in-law to George Steinbrenner and the probable heir to the Yankee throne, was busted for a DUI in St. Petersburg, Florida, after police caught him doing 61 in a 35 zone. I’m giving him 98 points on the crime scale, the highest possible score for a non-murder, because Swindal 1) is a Yankee official 2) is a Yankee official, and 3) voluntarily married into the family of George Steinbrenner. Also, he drove drunk.

The arrest affidavit credited Swindal with “slurred, mumbled speech,” “bloodshot, watery eyes,” and “swaying, stumbling, staggering motor control.” After his arrest, Swindal tried, like the lying Yankee scum that he is, to list his employer as “Marine Towing.” He is chairman of that company, but his main job is with the Yankees, where he is General Partner. Police had to deduce this by going through his wallet. Otherwise, we might never have found out. The fact that we almost didn’t get to make a big deal out of this tempts me to bump Swindal up to a 99.

Police caught the 52 year-old husband of “Jennifer” Steinbrenner (it appalls me that Steinbrenner’s children have regular human names) after he made a sharp left turn in front of a police cruiser, causing the police to take evasive action. “Mr. Swindal apologizes profusely for this distraction during Spring Training,” said Yankee spokesman Howard Rubenstein.

No word yet on whether Florida officials will seek the death penalty. We’ll keep you posted.

Minot where?
Ronnie Fields, a player from the Minot (North Dakota) Skyrockets, has been arrested on a sexual-assault charge, putting the CBA on the national media map for the first time since the Isaiah Thomas era.

Police responded to a sexual-assault report at a north Minot hotel Friday night, and eventually booked Fields for abusing a 24-year-old woman. Fields has been in trouble before. In 1996, he was booked on a sexual-abuse charge in Wheaton, Illinois, in an incident that involved two other men. He was convicted of a misdemeanor in that case and got two years’ probation.

Fields was removed from the roster after the arrest and, in fact, has not played since he sprained an ankle on February 8. It is not yet known if anyone has noticed his absence, or, indeed, if anyone in the country is even aware that the CBA still exists.

I’m giving Fields a 50 for the sex-abuse rap, minus ten points for the indignity of playing pro basketball against teams with names like the Patroons.

The tally for this year:
JOCK TEAM CRIME PTS
LaVon Chisley, Penn State: murder 99
Steve Swindal, Yankees: DUI 98
Murrieta jocks, Murrieta: Fight Club various 75
6 Football Players, Guilford: assault 50 (downgraded)
Kat. Maekawa, Orix Buffaloes: DUI, hit/run 47
Ronnie Fields, Minot Skyrockets: sex assault 40
Ron Artest, Kings: starving socks 35
Lionel Sullivan, BGSU: stealing video games, being a dumbass 31
Dax Crum, ASU: DUI 30
Mike Tyson, n/a: coke, DUI 28
Rashaun Broadus, BYU: hoops, DUI, having Snoop Dogg’s last name 26
Ryan Krause, Chargers: DUI 25
Dontrelle Willis, Marlins: DUI, peeing 23
Randy Foye, T-Wolves: fighting 20
Minny P.D., n/a: Tasering 20
Karl Luchsinger, OSU: bar fighting 18
Tinsley/Daniels/McLeod, Pacers: fighting 15
Mobile P.D., n/a: being dicks 5
Howard Stirgus, Denton: bomb threats 3
Kyle McLarney, Notre Dame: weed possession 1
Elijah Dukes, Devil Rays: weed, being black and not giving a fuck 0.5