In times of personal hardship and anguish, Phillipe + Jorge are always the first to offer our understanding and consolation to the aggrieved. It is for this reason that we rally to the side of embattled (as of press time) New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, and whisper soothingly in his ear, “What the fuck were you thinking?!?! You arrogant, spoiled brat moron!”
Yes, it was spritzers all around for the enemies, on Wall Street and in organized crime, of New York’s head honcho, who appears to have a zipper problem of Clintonesque dimensions (which is apropos, since Eliot Mess is endorsing the cuckolded Hillary.)
Spritzer showed equal respect for his own spouse, dragging her out to look lost and devastated while standing next to him during the press conference in which he announced his, er, shortcoming. But Spritzer didn’t settle for street comer floozies. He reportedly paid his consort, “Kristen,” a not-so-cool $4300 for his peccadillo, of which $300 was ostensibly a tip. Not only does he have his brains in his dick, he’s a lousy tipper.
Well, maybe Eliot can retire to his old friend Bill’s house in Chappaqua until the heat dies down. While their wives are elsewhere, they can together search the Internet for hotties. Have a cigar.
Tell it like it is
Your superior correspondents’ newly minted Speak Truth to Power Award goes to Woonsocket Deputy Emergency Director Steve Preston.
“There’s nothing like the governor taking care of his boys,” Preston told the Other Paper, commenting on Governor Carcieri’s repositioning of the highly salaried Steve Kass, his communications whiz, as spokesman for the embattled state Emergency Management Agency. “A [public information officer] is going to make more than the executive director? Jesus Christ. Does the governor think the citizens of Rhode Island are that stupid? . . . This is just ridiculous.” Preston also gave up the love for National Guard adjutant General Robert “Colonel Bat Guano” Bray, who now heads up EMA.
While we are sad that our old pal Steve has become a flash point, we hope Mr. Preston is still receiving a paycheck following the publication of his utterly honest opinions, offered without concern for the outcome.
And hats off to Colonel Bat Guano for throwing more gas on the fire, albeit unintended, when he explained, “Certainly there will be some background [for Kass] — he’ll need to learn about what emergency management is.” Oh. That’s nice.
Have a Pernod and grapefruit on us, Mr. Preston.
The not so little dig
How can the Pew Center for the States’ Government Performance Project and Governing magazine rate Vo Dilun with a C-minus?
If they only had a survey for weirdest accents, or best state motto (“Whatta you, an asshole?”), we would be golden in the national eye.
And let’s just ignore how in the middle of a devastating budget crunch, we learn that the feds are demanding that the state pay back $3.1 million, because the Department of Transportation used substandard concrete on parts of the now-notorious Route 195 “I-way to Hell.” That can be chalked up to a concrete approval process so screwy it couldn’t pass the laugh test.
Green day
One of the biggest and best conferences for anyone interested in natural resources and their economic/environmental benefit will be the 5th annual Land & Water Conservation Summit on Saturday, March 15 at the Uni¬vers¬ity of Rhode Island Memorial Union (Kingston Campus), beginning at 8:30 am.
The keynote speaker will be Gina McCarthy, commissioner of the Connecticut Department of Environmental Protection. She will speak on “No Child Left Inside,” Connecticut statewide initiative to reconnect families with the outdoors and to encourage kids to “unplug the computer and reconnect to the natural world.” Amen.
Details can be found at landandwaterpartnership.org/summit.htm, or by calling 401.714.2313 or 401.331.7110 x 39. Be there or be square.
Clinton chaos
So Hillary Clinton is going to run a country when she can’t even run her own campaign? Not bloody likely.
We refer to news of the infighting and backstabbing among Senator Pantsuit’s advisors, most of whom — like the sketchy Howard Wolfson — you wouldn’t let use your bathroom, never mind ask to dinner.
There’s also Hillary’s firing of her long-time friend and campaign manager; the campaign running out of money last month; and the mysterious distribution of doctored photos emphasizing Barack Obama’s blackness. As the New York Times reported, “Her choice of lieutenants, and her insistence on staying with them even when friends urged her to shake things up, was blamed by some associates for the campaign’s woes. Again and again, the senator was portrayed as a manager who valued loyalty and familiarity over experience and expertise.” Hey, great. Just like her old go-to-war-with-me pal Dubya Bush. Now there’s a great model for a leadership.
Equally irresponsible are the national media. Giving any sort of serious coverage to the outlandish idea floated by the increasingly sad and desperate Billary, of a “dream (read: nightmare) ticket” of Hillary and Barack is shameful.
Do the math: Obama leads in delegates; he leads in overall votes; he has won the majority of the states; and he is on a overwhelming winning streak in primaries and caucuses. If Hillary could lay claim to those figures, the Clinton camp would be bug-eyed, red-faced and apoplectically shrieking for Obama to drop out of the race and to save the Democratic Party. But no, they have the numb-nuts national pundits thinking this is a comeback.
Unfortunately, the talking hairdos and chattering classes don’t know the meaning of the words “embarrassed” or “ashamed.”
Sleep tight, Mr. Mencken.
