Breathe deep, politics fans. What is that odor? Yes, once more the great smell of sleaze is rising from our elected officials. And now their transgressions are leaking into the libido of the nation! Can anybody help us? Lloyd Loving can! Embedded at the red-hot nexus of sexual pathology and political smut, the Phoenix's erotomaniac-in-residence addresses your kinkiest concerns. You can't shock Lloyd!Dear Lloyd,
Something's up with my wife. She says she wants me to stuff money up her bra like Dianne Wilkerson. She can't stop talking about that Blagojevich guy, either. She printed out this article about him shaking down a children's hospital for 50 grand, and she wants me to read aloud from it while she "pleasures herself." What's going on?
Suspicious
Your wife is a lucky woman, Suspicious. A genuine bribery fetish can be hard to satisfy, particularly in times like these when the air is full of chaste vaporings about "hope" and "change." But these old-school grafters are really bringing home the sex bacon. Governor Rod has got your old lady's juices flowing — go with it! Become her master of corruption. Who knows how long this streak will last?
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Dear Lloyd,
Okay — my boyfriend said he'd be my sex slave, but whenever I give him an order he cops an attitude. Yesterday, I had him on the leash and I commanded him to lick the floor beneath my feet. He said, "The floor beneath your feet? How am I going to lick the floor beneath your feet? Are you going to hover in mid-air in those ugly-ass boots?" It was very sarcastic and quite hurtful. Now he won't wear his nipple clamps.
Failed Dominatrix
Don't go soft on me, Failed. Torture is still legal in America, and this catty little breach-of-contract bitch needs some serious attitude adjustment. I'm assuming you have a sex dungeon, or someplace that easily converts to a place of erotic confinement and oppression? Chain him down there for a day or two and blast him with some Chinese Democracy. Bring the Guantánamo, baby!
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Dear Lloyd,
I travel a lot for work, and whenever I'm in Penn Station, New York, I like to drop by the men's room there and just have sex with whomever. The other day, though, I went in and there was this cop letting his German shepherd drink out of the water fountain. The cop was pushing the button and the dog was up on its hind legs, lapping away. It was pretty gross. Should I have said something?
US Senator
I'm glad you didn't, Senator — you might have hurt the dog's feelings. Last week, I took my cat, Perfect Paul, to the vet for a check-up. Perfect Paul was up on the examining table, and the vet was feeling around his chest area, and I was holding his haunches, and then the vet looked up and our eyes locked and . . . I swear Perfect Paul's fur stood on end beneath our hands. It was an electric sexual moment. Animals are very sensitive.
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Dear Lloyd,
My roommate and I have secretly been having sex for the last 10 years. My question is this: are we "fuck buddies" or are we "cohabiting"? We have no other roommates. We also have five children.
Mrs. Maureen Sampson
Next.
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Dear Lloyd,
I am unable to climax unless I'm watching a video of myself climaxing. But I'm having trouble making this video. See my problem?
Helpless
I do. You've got yourself a real chicken-and-egg situation there, Helpless. Try shooting some footage of yourself not climaxing and then watching it backward, at high speed.
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Dear Lloyd,
I have slept with all four of my aunts on my mother's side, and two out of three on my father's. The last aunt, the one I haven't slept with, is an attractive and sensual woman in her mid 60s, but last week we got into a big argument about Sarah Palin. I think that Governor Palin is the future of the Republican Party and my aunt, the one I haven't slept with, says that she "can't even speak English." Will we ever get over this ideological divide?
Aunt Lover
I see great role-playing potential here, Aunt. Keep the dialogue going, and at a certain point — you'll know when — start talking like Joe the Plumber. Ask her if she's interested in "spreading the wealth." And if your saucy old aunt is half the girl I think she is, she'll blink twice and then come back at you in the voice of Hillary Clinton. After that, it's sweet bipartisanship all the way!
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Dear Lloyd,
What do you think of Dr. Frank Needham, the "sex doctor"? I'm thinking about getting one of his Pheromonal Amplification procedures, so that when I start rubbing up against somebody on the T they don't shout at me and take pictures with their cell phone.
Totally Wants A Nice Girl
