A little part of me died when the Man took Four Loko away. Yes, it was a much smaller part than the area of my brain that died while Four Loko was legal, but I still miss the stuff. Last month, reports surfaced that Colt 45 would be filling the void with Blast, a candy-flavored fizzy drink with enough alcohol per can to knock out a baby centaur. (Early reports claimed that the drink contained caffeine, but this has since been heartbreakingly debunked.) The attorneys general of 17 states have already lashed out at the fruity product, which they claim promotes underage drinking.
Also under fire is SNOOP DOGG, Blast's spokesperson. Y'see, the kids look up to Snoop. "Here's a guy who was a presenter at Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards and then has a party for Blast," media analyst Paul Porter told the Christian Science Monitor. "He does some good things, which is what makes it confusing." Snoop promoting an unhealthy lifestyle? Heaven forbid!
In other sketchy-endorsement news, WARREN G is promoting dick pills. NATE DOGG is surely clucking down at him from Heaven, because real regulators mount up unassisted.
Earlier this month, absurdist internet rapper LIL B created a beautiful uproar when he announced that his next album will be called I'm Gay. Although this is without doubt the best title for a hip-hop record in the history of human endeavor, not everyone was amused.
After the announcement — delivered live to a sizable Coachella crowd — Lil B quickly explained that he does love the ladies, and that he chose his album title to show that "words don't mean shit." XXLMag.com asked GLAAD what it thought of this concept, and GLAAD's response was kinda unintentionally comical: "As a lyricist, Lil B knows that words matter." Uh, does he, GLAAD? Are we still talking about the dude who said, "Bitches suck my dick because I look like J.K. Rowling"? GLAAD continued, "We hope that Lil B's album title is not just a gimmick and is really a sincere attempt to be an ally."
To anyone who pays attention to Lil B, it's clear that the intent is a little of both and a little of neither. "I got major love for the gay and lesbian community, and I just want to push less separation, and that's why I'm doing it," he told MTV News. But he also copped out a little: "I've never been attracted to a man in my life. But yes, I am gay, I'm so happy."
It's been a joy to watch the highbrow press try to make sense of a guy who falls just a hair above Kool Keith on the coherence scale. Try this representative sample from NPR.org, where venerable pop critic Ann Powers pretended to have a clue: "Lil B is known for assuming alternate identities (previous releases include the songs 'I'm Miley Cyrus' and 'I'm Charlie Sheen'), but this was his most surprising move yet."
Actually, this is an entirely unsurprising move. Lil B has already released a track called "I'm a Fag, I'm a Lesbian," and he's not "assuming alternate identities" when he claims to be Ellen DeGeneres, or when he says that hoes are on his dick because he looks like Matlock. He's pretty much saying stuff because it's weird and funny and nobody else would think to say it.