Jell-O Nasty: 10 New Reasons Why John McCain Is Too Old To Be President

With Sarah Palin constantly setting up tug and blow job jokes with lines about removing gloves and applying lipstick, only one diversion can lasso my comic attention: John McCain’s age. I wasn’t going to exploit for political purposes Barack Obama’s opponent’s senility and malfeasance, but, after last night’s debate, I’m compelled to graduate from sexism to ageism. Boobs who were upset by my calling Palin a bitch on Friday should sit this one out; here go 10 New Reasons Why John McCain Is Too Old To Be President:

10 – He could barely shake Obama’s hand. I know it’s a war-related injury, but what if shipwreck has to press flesh with a really tall foreign leader?

9 – The turning signal on the Straight Talk Express is always blinking regardless of whether McCain is changing lanes.  

8 – Just hearing the word eBay clunk off McCain’s tongue was less comfortable than watching Obama say “mammogram.”

7 – I know I’ve said this before, but McCain really looks like Dan Aykroyd’s character in "Nothing But Trouble" – Judge Alkin Valkenheiser.

6 – Instead of poking with relevant jabs wrapped in modern frameworks, McCain compared Obama’s tax policies to Jell-O. Even that conservative Nazi Bill Cosby thought that joke was flat and dated.

5 – McCain only remembers the part of Vietnam when he was held captive – not the part about him flying over villages and dropping bombs.

4 – At times McCain can’t distinguish between Barack Obama’s first and surnames. At one point this past night he referred to the Illinois senator as “Obama,” clearly forgetting that was his last name.

3 – McCain admittedly doesn’t “know what all of us don’t know.” You must be losing it to allege to know that.

2 – He predicted that in the near future “we’re going to be talking about countries that we don’t know where they are on a map.” Maybe it’s more geographic ignorance than old age, but that’s just about the most unsettling line so far this season.

1 – The last nugget to spill from McCain’s jowls was: “We need a steady hand at the tiller.” Do I really have to extrapolate here? Was that changed from “steady hand at the cotton gin” at the last minute to add some contemporary flare?

I’m looking forward to the hate mail and phone calls that I’ll no doubt receive from those of you who serve this country but who hate folks such as me who don’t like watching you die in senseless wars. In fact, I would even ask conservatives to lash back with their own 10 Reasons Why Barack Obama Is Too Young – or Too Black – To Be President list, but they’re a humorless bunch; just go see “An American Carol,” or, better yet, read the comments that are sure to pile up below.