Debate Questions That Long Islanders Can Relate To

Tonight’s debate between Barack Obama and John McCain is at Hofstra University in my old Long Island backyard. I’ve noticed that when earlier debates were held in other corners of the America, some questions were formulated to fit the needs and interests of the local electorate. Since I know suburban New York well, I decided to pen some questions that Long Islanders could relate to. Grab your leather jacket and apply your best accent.

For Barack Obama

-A lot of Democrats are in favor of limiting the amount of hair spray that families can consume on account of what they call ozone park pollution. My wife uses four cans of Aqua Net a week; should that be within the limit?

-Do you support tax breaks for people who spend more than half their incomes on car stereo equipment?

-Would you consider appointing Joey Buttafuco Secretary of Defense?

-There’s been a lot of talk about reparations for black people. My question to you is this: how about reparations for Italian people? Huh?

-Have you ever been to the Lemon Ice King of Corona? I gotta take you there some time – trust me.

-I know you’ve been palling around with The Boss, but you have to admit that Billy Joel is a much bigger talent.

For John McCain

-I know you don’t believe this because you have more toys than my cousin Phil Pip who owns three pizzerias on the South Shore (good slice – by the way), but some of these Democrats think my cigarette boat is bad for the environment. You got any idea what’s up their asses?

-When you was chained up in Vietnam, did they ever send any girls in to – ah – take care of ya?

-Is Goldie Locks over there your wife? She’s been checking me out all night; tell blondie to meet me and Sal over here at CoCo’s in Huntington after this wraps up.

-I have a friend Hector who brings me gifts across the border, if you know what I mean. Shouldn’t he be able to come and go as he chooses?

-How do you feel about them ripping down national treasures like Shea Stadium with no regard for history or Keith Hernandez?

-I got to tell you that I have a cousin Tony who doesn’t exactly like girls if you know what I’m talking about. And I have to admit that I myself don’t have a problem with two young women who happen to be on top of one another. How do you feel about, well, you know?