GARBODEN: Why I'm voting for Obama

Yes, of course, I'm voting for Obama. He's my dream candidate. For one thing, he's a communist. (Hello Castros, our new best allies.) Throw the bankers and right-wing talk-show hosts in jail without representation. Nationalize the oil companies and redistribute the wealth. Free health-care all around. And he's Muslim, which makes him the perfect counterweight to America's religious right. The fact that he was born in another country will certainly improve our foreign-relations posture. Did I mention he's a Black Power militant? It's about time leftover Jim Crow discrimination was replaced by some Bubba Turkey laws. And the Ebonics translation of the Constitution will be so much more relevant than all that domestic-tranquility-posterity blah-blah. You want an atheist in the White House? I do. He can work right through Sunday morning. Barack H. Obama's a candidate with a Harvard diploma, no less, meaning he'll always be smarter than most of the voters and never let them forget it. Plus, the man will tax everything - including jerky, meth, NASCAR tickets, and (especially) Bibles. He'll insert a vow to embrace evolution into the Pledge of Allegiance, ban all guns for white people, and open his cabinet to populist spokespeople such as Jeremiah Wright and Chris Rock.

But most of all, I'm intrigued by the idea that he's going to blow up the White House, just like the aliens did in Independence Day. His buddy Bill Ayres had been stockpiling pipe bombs in his basement since about 1972. All he needs is access and it's "goodbye, Lincoln bedroom."

As I said, my dream candidate - and, above all, my enemies' worst nightmare.

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