DC Dispatch 4: Marinating in the New Beltway Bliss

Photo via Flickr: More By Cheeses

Usually, when I report from unfamiliar cities, I pay close attention to characteristics that make particular locales special. For example, in Alabama, most men molest their siblings. In Los Angeles, when people move, they take their refrigerators with them.

But while my amateur socio-anthropological musings can open eyes to fellow foreigners, they can also ring generic, obvious, and lazy to those already in the know. For that reason I planned to avoid making such observations while covering the Inauguration in Washington, but then I realized that this city – as it looks, feels, and moves right now, at this historic moment – is hardly the same detached marble paradise that it is otherwise.

So let's see . . . Washington, DC: in some cases it’s impossible to move around. I had a cherry invite to a swank free-food-and-booze banquet that I couldn’t attend because of barricades. Foot-traffic horror was chronically underreported this afternoon; the hair gel clowns and beauty queens on television covered the anticipated pandemonium enough to make Kobiashi puke, but as soon as chaos ensued they retreated to plush hotel rooms and heated sound stages. Everyone else walked. And walked. And then for a change of pace they walked.

My next major revelation: trash is everywhere. Not white trash, since that ilk stayed home cutting holes in white pillowcases, but actual stinking garbage. While I truly believe that Obama’s devotees want to improve their planet, I’m a bit discouraged by how nonchalantly many of them toss wrappers, cans, and cups to the curb.

There’s also a ton of collateral junk: the sidewalks are littered with abandoned winter gear. At first I considered commissioning a commemorative collection of random gloves and dirty blankets, but in the spirit of the Inauguration, of making the world a better place, I ultimately decided to leave them for the local vagabonds. I did, however, pocket one taupe Isotoner as a memento.

Despite the littering and crowds, though, the sweet majority of folks have been acting civilized all week. Gauging by the number of morally destitute lobbyists who call Washington home, that’s probably not typical behavior.  

Another factor contributing to the overall civility: there are hardly any Republicans in this motherfucker – or at least not from where I’m drinking. In the past few days I’ve met hundreds of people – in bathroom lines, sticky bars, and claustrophobic streets -- but I haven’t had to beat down any stubborn yuppie shitstains.

Finally -- for me, and, if you’re reading the Boston Phoenix for reasons other than to write me hate mail, then probably for you as well -- the best thing about Washington this week is how George W. Bush had to sit silently while a black guy not-so-surreptitiously skewered him in front of millions of his fellow Americans. Sure – white people have been smooching black ass since Obama first caught steam, but that one was classic.

I like this temporary Washington – even though it’s predominately occupied by cheerleaders who need to realize that politics is not just a pep rally that goes down once every four winters. Soon, of course, apathy will set in and civic enlightenment will fade faster than the dust marks from “Support Our Troops” stickers, but, like I wrote on the way down here, those are questions for tomorrow. Right now I’m getting blasted with the newest crop of Beltway boys.

-- Chris Faraone