Casting Call for “America’s Biggest Asshole.” You Should Audition.

There’s finally a competition show that a lot people really should try out for. Crooked politicians, deadbeat dads, bad singers, murderers, baristas who think they deserve tips, and priests who suck baby dicks - every one of you bastards should head down to Boston Casting on Monday July 13 (from 10am to 4pm) and stick your no talent keister in the running for Spike TV’s new reality show, “America’s Biggest Asshole.”

According to the casting call, Spike needs d-bags who are often told they “have all the charm of Vince Vaughn, Denis Leary, and Stiffler rolled into one.” It’s too bad that the producers aren’t scouting for America’s Cheesiest Press Release, because Julie Arvedon at Boston Casting would be a shoo-in. (How’s that, bitch? Now what’s up with my private audition? I mean - unless Dan Shaughnessy or Howie Carr show up, then I bet there won’t be anyone in line who gets more accusatory “asshole” hate mail than I do).  

On the really real, though, I can’t rip Boston Casting too hard; they definitely made a wise move by holding the second of their two auditions in Boston’s Masshole Mecca, Faneuil Hall (at Red Sky on Wednesday July 15 from 6 to 9). They could have picked a more suitable locale - as Red Sky is one of the few joints I actually like around there - but I suppose the open windows do face the sea of primitive and proudly ignorant Abercrombie-clad passersby.

According to the release, the event was planned “In conjunction with Boston’s “A” List!” I’m not sure if that “A” is related to the theme, but if not then someone is certainly an asshole for calling themselves that. Maybe they should try out, as should every Euro-shoed, gel-haired, barbed-wire-tatted downtown meatball who has ever even considered waxing himself. It’s true that every reality show audition is essentially an audition to be America’s Biggest Asshole, but at least this time everybody’s honest about it. See you there, fuckers. And be sure to wear a groin cup.