Rape a Gay Whale for Jesus: Dispatch from the Protest Clusterfuck Outside Today's Obama-Patrick Fundraiser

I once saw a bumper sticker that read “Rape a Gay Whale for Jesus.” Assuming that the driver was not a homophobic bible boy who likes to diddle blowholes, it was possibly the most brilliant protest ever forced upon my eyeballs. I wish I had a massive oak tag shouting that catch phrase with me earlier this afternoon.

I’ve covered several hundred demonstrations in the past half-decade, and today’s spectacle on Copley Square - in anticipation of President Obama’s arrival for a Deval Patrick fundraiser at the Westin - was the most confusing ideological orgy in recent Boston memory. Even legendary Beantown gadfly Dan the Bagel Man - who was on the scene passing out candy canes - seemed a bit distraught.

There was a woman from Ashby who was angry that it cost so much to register her snowmobiles; her sign said, “Yes Moms Can,” whatever that means. Beside her was a saggy wretch declaring that “Obama is a war criminal,” while their homegirl told me that Obama’s Safe School Czar Kevin Jennings is guided by “radical insanity,” and that her “son is not safe with these people in office.”

Jennings, of course, is gay, as any Glenn Beck viewer is well-aware (these women rally through the Fox-inspired asamom.org). And though all the Mommy Patriots (really, that’s what they call themselves) assured me that they’re far from homophobic, they were hardly anxious to integrate their chorus with the GLBT force across Dartmouth Street.

Unlike the Beck cheerleaders - one of whom held a Mylar balloon that said “I [heart] Fox News” - the pink and rainbow-clad gays and lesbians had one single, clear message: they want their rights not now but right now. As usual they brought the most creative signs and slogans, and provided solid entertainment for the bored yuppies hoping to glimpse Obama’s limo on their lunch breaks.

I spoke with some gay protesters, and none of them believe that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell are the only issues facing the administration. But despite that maturity, they lost me with their threat to vote against Obama in the next election. What did they expect from a donkey? If they wanted hard liberal policy then GLBT organizers should have loudly backed a third party instigator; instead they voted for a Democrat, and now they sound like folks who buy American cars and then complain when they break down.

The most impressive protests came from union members, and particularly the disabled-care-givers with the AFSCME Local 402. Faced with their 130-plus person facility closing in June 2010, they took Deval Patrick and their rally peers to task: “In Massachusetts - the problem is the governor,” belted their ringleader. “Obama just needs to get some better friends.”

Finally, there were the lone crazies: a Latino Jesus nut who thinks her Christian radio station should receive state funding because her son is serving in Iraq; the sad old greasy soul with a “No Obama Care” sign and those glasses that darken when the sun shines; a grotesque anti-Semitic Neanderthal wearing sweatpants and a Palestinian flag as a cape; a shitfaced homeless dude who kept yelling: “How you gonna blame this shit on Obama? This shit is Bush’s fault you racist motherfuckers.”

Outperforming all those savages, though, was the self-declared Rabid Republican - a hawkish beast with one of those silly veteran baseball hats that have all sorts of information embroidered in gold thread. An equal opportunity hater, his signs were aimed at both Obama (“loser, liar, socialist, Muslim, narcissist, traitor with an ugly wife”) and Patrick (“Hey Deval - you still doing [former staffer] Amy Gorin? Together you did.”)

Rape a gay whale for Jesus. They couldn't have said it better themselves.