For weeks now, we've been getting Twitter-spammed by minions of the radical right, who claimed that a nefarious cabal of hospital workers and ACORN staffers would be hard at work today rigging the Coakley/Brown election. This seemed to make many people excited -- the tea-party nuts were practically guaranteeing a rigged election! All you'd have to do is go to a polling place and watch the Democrats cheat! And then you could get it on camera! And blog about it for Americans for Limited Government's Washington News Alert!
Well, now the day has come. And we have -- wait for it -- RAMPANT REPORTS OF VOTER FRAUD FROM THE RADICAL RIGHT! Amazing! And to think -- this is the stuff the mainstream media is shoving under the rug. How dare they! Let's take a look, shall we?
EXHIBIT A: THE UNDEAD!
Forget health workers and ACORN: the real fear-factor going into today's election, according to today's Boston Herald, was dead people. In an article headlined "Scott Brown Backers Fear Zombies," Republicans were allowed to echo allegations that Democrats were preparing to flood the voting rolls with, yes, people who have ceased to live. The Herald must have had some evidence to back up those allegations, right? Well, of course: according to a representative from -- you guessed it -- Americans for Limited Government, the only way Scott Brown could possibly lose is if the Democrats cheat. Ipso facto, there must be zombies! Quoth a North Reading Republican, summing up the evidence: "When you see the crowds and feel the enthusiasm, you get the feeling
like the only way for him to lose this is fraud."
EXHIBIT B: THE SIGNS ARE EVERYWHERE
It's 6:50 am on election day in Dorchester -- a full 10 minutes before the polls open -- and ALREADY the Democrats are at it. Just cheating in broad daylight! And ALG's reporters are there to capture it! It's . . . A MARTHA COAKLEY CAMPAIGN SIGN! ON A BUILDING! LESS THAN 150 FEET FROM THE POLLING PLACE! Immediately, ALG volunteer Ashley Badgley is on the case, in a Pulitzer-worthy piece of investigative journalism entitled, "Sign Might Be A Violation":
"The booths at the polling location are down a long, winding hallway in the back of the building, but the polling location's warden, Wilma Brown is not sure whether the sign is a violation or not. Brown said the sign, that stands approximately 10 feet from the door, could be more than 150 feet away from voting booths, but she is not sure. Also, she is not sure how or when the sign was posted. "It's not mine to take down," she said.
However, Brown said she was going to check into the rules and take the sign down if necessary."
By 11 am, ALG has seen enough. They've got video evidence of a sign being out of place. An alert goes out to all its members:
"Based on our field reports from around the state, it's clear that the Coakley campaign is playing fast and loose with the electioneering laws. Our reporters and poll watchers have documented numerous sign violations at polling locations. Where appropriate we have worked with election officials to correct these problems. "
EXHIBIT C: THE SIGNS VANISH!
Remember, now, that ALG has just sent out an alert alleging election fraud on the basis of a single sign being out of place. What could be worse, then, than if THE SIGN CAME DOWN? By George, that would mean . . . there's no more election fraud? No, no -- that's not what it means. It means, in fact, that there has been . . . wait for it . . . ANOTHER INSTANCE OF ELECTION FRAUD.
ALG's Ashley Badgley is back on the case. Now that the offending sign has been taken down, Badgley is back in Warden Brown's grill, demanding to know what has happened to it:
Brown said she called city hall because she received a
complaint. There were no issues and the sign was quickly removed, she said.
"It is my obligation as the warden here," Brown said. "There
was a complaint and I called and they took it down."
Despite the rules forbidding election workers and voters
from removing the signs, one of the signs in front of the Fire Station at 7
Parish St. was quickly torn down by a man standing outside.
Just in case you missed it: ALG complained about the sign. Then, when the sign was removed, ALG claims it was removed illegally. There is a word for this, but I'm not sure "Fraud" is strong enough.
EXHIBIT D: NO, REALLY, THIS TIME IT'S DEFINITELY ELECTION FRAUD.
ALG's poll workers really got one this time: woman walks into the polling place. She's not on the poll list. They check another list. Not on it. They hand her a provisional ballot, she fills it out, it's placed in an envelope . . . . wait, that's . . . that's . . . oh, right, that's exactly what's required by law when a voter shows up who's not on the list. Ah, fuck it -- let's just put out an email called "Report of potential fraud in Lawrence, MA," anyway. I swear, when this girl tells her story, she's really good at making it sound like somone did something wrong, even though she's not entirely sure where she is, let alone what she's talking about!
EXHIBIT E: SANDWICHES!
One thing that we Americans can agree on is that a sense of decorum is just not appropriate during an election. If you're standing at a polling place and acting nice, you must be up to something. Something really bad. Something really sinister. Something like . . . VOTER FRAUD, MAYBE?!
OK, just to summarize: a Coakley campaign worker offered to buy the ALG girl lunch! She must be up to something. Which means eventually -- just trust us -- she will cheat. And when she does, ALG will be there. Just give us a couple more hours. The zombies are coming. Promise.
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