Charlie Sheen be crazy

If Mel Gibson calls you to offer you life advice, you know you are in some deep shit. A week ago, Charlie Sheen was the star of a hit CBS "comedy" that owes its entire viewership to octogenarians passing out in their recliners during the evening news. Clearly without this sweet gig, the self-described "unemployed winner" runs the risk of falling out of the media spotlight forever.

Luckily, we have a few movie ideas that might just help old Carlos get back on his feet, because - let's face it - someone with tiger blood streaming through his veins is just too huge for the small screen to handle anyway.

Since Hollywood currently has 75(!!) remakes and reboots currently in the works, certainly one more can't hurt. It's been a whopping 16 years since David Fincher's Seven hit theaters, and no one is more fit to fill the shoes as sadistic sociopath John Doe. Hell, Charlie has already been auditioning for the plumb role with his alleged comments to ex-wife Brooke Mueller: "I will cut your head off, put it in a box, and send it to your mom." True artistic dedication, folks. Also, can someone please re-cast Gwyneth Paltrow so that gazelle can stop assaulting America's eardrums on every awards show imaginable? She was never more likeable than when Brad Pitt was weeping snot all over her decapitated mug.

Anyway, back to mucus...

Sheen, with his "10,000 year old brain and the boogers of a seven-year old," could easily transform himself into the next "great" action star à la Nicolas Cage (incidentally, not a winner). Just to deepen the plot, let's add in an apocalyptic hazard Sheen must stop to save the world, say in the form of a drug or virus that if unleashed upon the world "will melt [your face] off, and your children will weep over your exploded body." And let's call this virus, oh I don't know, Arlie-chay Een-shay. Somewhere in the middle of a garbage dump Michael Bay is frantically piecing together this very script.

But in order to really cement his place in America's hearts and minds, Charlie's best bet would be to ride the superhero wave taking over movie theaters. Preferably on the same "mercury surfboard" he has been so successful riding on the "tsunami of media" with. Sheen would naturally star as a warlock, much to the chagrin of the real male-witch community (who knew?) that is already taking "magical action" against the star. He will obtain his superhuman powers from "the only watch to keep Warlock time" and, of course, "bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them." Because that's just how he rolls.

I would say I am eagerly anticipating these obvious blockbusters, but like the all-knowing Sheen tells us, all "hope is for suckers and tools." Until then, I'll just have to keep on winning.