The Search for America's Biggest A-Hole

Grossest casting couch in History Dept.
By CHRIS FARAONE  |  July 15, 2009

VIDEO: Chris Faraone talks to hopefuls at the America's Biggest Asshole auditions

This week in Boston, Spike TV held auditions for its new sub-low-culture program, America's Biggest Asshole. You're right — all reality show tryouts are essentially auditions for America's Biggest Asshole, but this one is transparently egregious, as if the NHL re-named hockey "Kill the Man with the Puck."

Naturally, the Phoenix checked out the first of two auditions at Boston Casting in Allston on Monday (the second took place after press time on Wednesday at Red Sky in Faneuil Hall), where we expected a royal rumble of torrentially ignorant proportions. After all, it wouldn't be thinking too far outside the box if a contestant were to walk in with a gun and smoke the competition — they could and should win by default. Instead, though, we mostly found dudes whose asshole résumés are likely limited to sneaking into comic-book conventions and jerking off in public bathrooms.

Though there were no mass murders, some scumbags certainly impressed. One Neanderthal harassed an intern until she needed backup — after which he stormed into an office and made a long-distance phone call.

The talent scouts (and I use that word loosely in this case) worked through disruptions that expectedly arose — they blasted an open casting call for assholes, for Chrissakes. But from the looks of things, their bigger problem was that too many nice people showed. One kid lasted a mere 45 seconds before they told him that he wasn't a big enough orifice.

The biggest assholes were probably at home on their couches. What self-respecting asshole would let himself be led around by the show's producers in a dog-and-pony show, anyway? Take the smelly and anonymous tattooed vagrant (who paced back and forth gulping Cherry Coke and burping the Cro-Magnon alphabet) before thinking better of his decision. "I'm a prick with the best of them," he said, pickle-breathed. "But I don't know about this. Look around — it's a fucking clown show."

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