Once upon a time, back when we could still get loaded on Four Loko, we published a blog post about a potentially popular new product available in Boston's bodegas: 30-proof whipped cream in a can. With speed-malt insanity hitting a fever pitch in the press — and college students cooperating by landing, polluted, in emergency rooms at a steady pace — we noted the existence of Cream, a new, tasty, but non-caffeinated substance that we dubbed "The Next Alcoholic Product To Get Banned in Mass."
What followed was a pretty entertaining media spectacle: the story got picked up (without attribution, natch) by the Boston Herald, Fox News, and dozens of others. We rarely applaud ourselves for penning stories that other outlets steal; if we did, there wouldn't be any room left for the ads. But since so many lamestreamers sucked the fun out of this one, we're proud to claim responsibility for all and any fabricated outrage over this delightful boozy treat du jour.
Manufactured by Kingfish Spirits out of Cleveland, Cream comes in vanilla, chocolate, cherry, raspberry, and caramel, and retails in the price range of $12 a pop. Reports so far suggest that cans are "flying off the shelves" at local package stores, and is certain to entice both college binge-drinkers and small children.
Just one problem: despite the tone of the coverage, there's no real indication that the Massachusetts Alcoholic Beverages Control Commission will condemn Cream. Of course, in the event that over-ambitious lawmakers attempt to pry booze-whip from our tingly fingers, they can expect nothing less than an onslaught of venomous attacks on so-called nanny-state politics.
In the meantime, we'll go a bit further than did the outlets who parroted Monday's Fox News report, which piggybacked the Fox 25 segment, which bit the Herald story that ripped off the Phoenix. In all their recycling, reporters from Huff Post, The Times of India, and Gothamist neglected to do one very important thing: describe what it feels like to get Creamed. So with fridgefuls of leftover Thanksgiving pie on hand, we took one for the team and licked our fingers clean.
We're quite impressed — not only with the sweet boozy foam, but with the smooth slug of nitrous oxide that cherry-tops each can. It's almost worth the residue that Cream burned on our palettes, the lasting caramel stench in our sinuses, and some minor hangovers. "It tastes good straight up, or mixed with Jell-O pudding and washed down with red wine," says Phoenix Events Editor Ashley Rigazio. "It was surprisingly strong and for a little while, it seemed like the good times would never end. I even decided to take it to work, but it turns out Cream doesn't travel well. I broke it on my way in, and accidentally took a whippet in front of my boss."
There's no hard feelings here, even for those who failed to credit us; we're just happy to spread the word, and to have helped catalyze an international pseudo-event out of a complete non-story. Bottoms up!