Editorial stuttering

Dice-K watch
By ADAM REILLY  |  April 11, 2007


Headlines following the 10-strikeout win earned by Daisuke Matsuzaka, a/k/a Dice-K, on April 5, his first victory pitching for the Red Sox:

Dice-KKKKKKKKKK (Boston Globe)
Dice-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K (Boston Herald)
Dice-KKKKKKKKKK Mania! (Lowell Sun)

Headline writers of Boston, let’s make this easy. There are a) a finite range of things that can happen to Matsuzaka this year, on or off the field, and b) a limited number of lame puns that can be crafted on the basis of these happenings. In the future, instead of agonizing over which headline to use — only to have the same thing appear in every other paper — simply choose from the following:

Cold as Dice: after three or more consecutive losses

Dice in his veins: after eking out a close win, preferably over the Yankees

The Diceman cometh: best for pre–All Star game write-up; if Matsuzaka doesn’t make AL squad, use as necessary

Dice work if you can get it: if Matsuzaka gets a hit (preferably several, and/or for extra bases) during interleague play

Dice Dice baby: best for breathless treatment of “Dice-K mania”; can also be used when there’s a story but no real news

Dice cube: also good for stories without news; variation: Matsuzaka and Ice Cube photographed together

Special K: for puff piece on Matsuzaka’s first season and/or adjustment to Boston

Roll of the Dice: Matsuzaka comes back from unspecified injury. Is it too soon?

Dice princess: Reserved for negative “Inside Track” coverage of Tomoyo Shibata (variation: “Dice queen”)

Dice saw the light: Matsuzaka has vision problems, is examined by optometrist

Dice saw the sign: Matsuzaka gets pickoff prompt from Varitek, executes

Dice sculpture: Someone, somewhere crafts a Matsuzaka bust or figurine

Dice age: Matsuzaka pitches well, becomes Sox’ top starter

Dice box: Matsuzaka struggles with MLB strike zone; variation: Matsuzaka gets strike calls other pitchers don’t

Black Dice: Matsuzaka is depressed, complains, and becomes negative clubhouse influence

Fried Dice: Matsuzaka is physically/emotionally exhausted, goes on DL (WARNING: may be seen as inappropriate)

Dice pick: Matsuzaka plugs teammate for All Star/MVP/Gold Glove; variation: Matsuzaka lobbies for trade or free-agent signing

The Postman always dings Dice: Ex-mailman cracks MLB line-up, takes Matsuzaka deep on multiple occasions

Dice guys finish last: Matsuzaka finishes last among Cy Young vote-getters

Dice guys finish first: Matsuzaka finishes first among said group

Put it on Dice: at season’s end, team’s success/failure attributed primarily to Matsuzaka

Related: The center of the universe, Photos: Hot Stove Cool Music at the House of Blues, Bad sports, More more >
  Topics: Lifestyle Features , Baseball, Sports, AL East Division,  More more >
| More

Most Popular
Share this entry with Delicious
  •   BULLY FOR BU!  |  March 12, 2010
    After six years at the Phoenix , I recently got my first pre-emptive libel threat. It came, most unexpectedly, from an investigative reporter. And beyond the fact that this struck me as a blatant attempt at intimidation, it demonstrated how tricky journalism's new, collaboration-driven future could be.
  •   STOP THE QUINN-SANITY!  |  March 03, 2010
    The year is still young, but when the time comes to look back at 2010's media lowlights, the embarrassing demise of Sally Quinn's Washington Post column, "The Party," will almost certainly rank near the top of the list.
  •   RIGHT CLICK  |  February 19, 2010
    Back in February 2007, a few months after a political neophyte named Deval Patrick cruised to victory in the Massachusetts governor's race with help from a political blog named Blue Mass Group (BMG) — which whipped up pro-Patrick sentiment while aggressively rebutting the governor-to-be's critics — I sized up a recent conservative entry in the local blogosphere.
  •   RANSOM NOTES  |  February 12, 2010
    While reporting from Afghanistan two years ago, David Rohde became, for the second time in his career, an unwilling participant rather than an observer. On October 29, 1995, Rohde had been arrested by Bosnian Serbs. And then in November 2008, Rohde and two Afghan colleagues were en route to an interview with a Taliban commander when they were kidnapped.
  •   POOR RECEPTION  |  February 08, 2010
    The right loves to rant against the "liberal-media elite," but there's one key media sector where the conservative id reigns supreme: talk radio.

 See all articles by: ADAM REILLY