Not the swiftest week in the history of pop — every news story seemed to be about some almighty screw-up or another. Let's have a well-organized laugh at the worst musical blunders:
5_RIHANNA REHIRES A RIP-OFF ARTIST. | Rihanna's "S&M" video conspicuously jacked the steez of two well-known fashion photographers. David LaChapelle walked off with an undisclosed settlement; when settlement negotiations with Philipp Paulus failed, he announced his intent to sue.
Rihanna recently hired the same director, Melina Matsoukas, to shoot a clip for "You Da One." Shockingly, the idea-hungry team struck again, this time blatantly ripping off work by photographer Sølve Sundsbø. It's not clear whether Matsoukas or Rihanna are responsible for the rip-offery, but it's obvious that neither of them learned their lesson the first time.
4_KILLERS RECORD NEW ALBUM. | Cut it out, fuckers!
3_CEE LO CHANGES THE LYRICS TO "IMAGINE." | Perpetrated during the big NBC New Year's Eve festivities; instead of singing "nothing to kill or die for/and no religion too," he decided to make it "and all religions true" — the exact opposite of what Lennon was trying to say. As anyone in the universe except Cee Lo could have predicted, millions were furious; he kinda-apologized, and the rest is pretty boring.
I'm not so reverent that I think Lennon's lyrics should be held sacred, but Cee Lo's version is dumb as heck. All religions true? Not only would it be a mind-bending philosophical train wreck, there would probably be constant beardy sky battles and nonstop apocalyptic strife. Here's the most galling thing: Cee Lo obviously didn't even try to imagine "all religions true," or he would have instantly realized it would suck — not only did he change the lyrics to "Imagine," he didn't even imagine the shit he was telling us to imagine!
On a slightly more wonderful side note: I missed the performance when it happened, since I'm not the kind of bad idiot who watches New Year's Eve extravaganzas. The first I heard of it was from the NME.com account, which bore the headline "Cee Lo Green changes John Lennon's 'Imagine' lyrics to push pro-religion views." For a brief, wonderful moment I thought maybe he'd sung "nothing to kill or die for/and pro-religion views." Way better.
2_KE$HA RESURRECTS ROCK. | In a nearly unbearable interview with MTV News, Ke$ha said the following: "People say that rock and roll is dead, and it is my mission and my goal to resurrect it in the form of my pop music. That's a very ambitious and lofty goal, but that's my goal."
No, you fool! Stay the fuck away from rock and roll! Haven't you seen Pet Sematary? Your pop soil is sour; you're a cursed aesthetic burial ground. If you bury rock and roll in it, it'll come back rotten and evil and kill us with a scalpel.
1_PAUL MCCARTNEY NAMES HIS ALBUM — "KISSES ON THE BOTTOM." | It's going to be called that. I know the guy has, like, a 50-year history of grossly overestimating his own whimsical charm, but this is the exact point where we should throw a little blanket over his shoulders and gently lead him back indoors.