This week, another exciting sift through the overflowing wastebasket of miserable press releases!
'DOPE MELODY: ZUMBA® FITNESS AND VANILLA ICE "COLLABORATE" TO CREATE "ICE ICE BABY ZUMBA® REMIX" AND MUSIC VIDEO'
You may find it incredible that Vanilla Ice would cheapen his greatest artistic achievement by lending it to some corporate promotion, but it's true: he's fallen under the evil sway of Zumba, the monolithic dancercise cult that's quickly outpacing Scientology in the fight for lost souls. The sinister Zumba greybeards have used their international rhythms and party atmosphere to brainwash Vanilla into a glassy-eyed pitchman:
"Whether it's music, acting, or renovating homes, I've got to love what I do if I'm going to really commit to it — passion is key," Vanilla Ice said of his partnership with the global phenomenon. "So when I learned 12 million people were committed to the dance party that is Zumba Fitness, I was on board. As a musician and someone who appreciates a good fitness program, there is nothing better than having fun and getting fit at the same time. Word to your mother!"
As far as I can tell, the remix is just "Ice Ice Baby" with some added house bloops; perhaps not likely to win any new converts to ZumbOrg, but I'm sure it will stimulate the faithful to religious ecstasy. The press release ends with a detailed admonition against using the word "Zumba" as verb or even as a noun (???). So, unless you want to run afoul of the jackbooted Zumba brand clergy, you definitely should not say "Vanilla Ice just zumba'd his career to a hilarious new low."
'SOUNDEXCHANGE RELEASES LIST OF RECORDING ARTISTS AND RECORD LABELS WITH UNCLAIMED DIGITAL PERFORMANCE ROYALTIES' "SoundExchange today released a list of more than 50,000 recording-artist and record-label names owed tens of millions of dollars in unclaimed digital performance royalty payments. SoundExchange is encouraging recording artists and record labels to view the searchable database located on its Web site, soundexchange.com, to learn more and register to receive their share."
This press release itself isn't interesting, but the list of 50,000 artist names is absolutely incredible. It's certainly the longest list of raw band names I've ever seen; in addition to a lot of big stars — shit, someone owes Wheatus money! — there are thousands of obscure artists with fantastic names.
The list is all-caps, which somehow adds to the comedic effect. Poking around for a few minutes I found the following: FEABLE WEINER, SCREAMING AFTERBIRTH, LOS BADD BOYZ DEL VALLE, FINGAZZ, LEATHERWOLF, JEZ & CHOOPIE, DOC GYNECO, DOAP NIXON, LOVE GROCER, QUIET LOC, DJ MANGOO, FUKKK OFFF, PISSED JEANS, PLEASUREKRAFT, DARK FRANKLIN, SEAN BOOG, BIGG FACE, WEED DIAMOND, DJ CHAB, NUTR, WOOB, NYG'Z, and D'GARY.
These aren't just some guy's bedroom project; these people are professional recording artists who are owed money by the recording industry. Someone out there has a fat check waiting for D'GARY.
'ICONIC 1980S DEVO TUNE BRINGS SOUTHWIRE'S SIMPULL RIP CHIP™ DISC TO LIFE'
First, let me explain the product: imagine a huge industrial spool of wire like four feet in diameter. Now, imagine that the spool of wire has been shrinkwrapped; ordinarily, workers would use a blade to cut off the wrapping, potentially causing injury to the wire or the worker's hand. The Rip CHIP allows the worker to pull a plastic tab attached to the shrink wrap, ripping the entire length of the wrapping and avoiding inconvenience and potential injury.