Ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened: FALL OUT BOY have split up.
Wait, let me get my dictionary — I was using "unthinkable" to mean, "Incapable of provoking thought, probably owing to its utter irrelevance to anyone but shitty teenagers," but I'm not sure that's actually correct.
This is hardly surprising news — Pete Wentz has been waffling over the definition of "hiatus" for months now, and lumpy hat guy is about to come out with a solo album. It's nice, though, to get it in writing: Pete remarked on his blog that he doesn't anticipate playing with FOB again, and he told Spin that he's no longer in the band. But even if we all predicted it, there's one thing that's newsworthy: here falls the first major relic of the '00s. Let's hope that this marks the obsolescence of FOB's idiot scene, and that their hysterical, emo-haired brethren fall like dominoes after them. Let's also hope that America's teenagers find something a little less heinous to obsess over — but I won't hold my breath over that part.
I reported last week that SCORPIONS had broken up, but given the nature of this column, I thought I'd pop back for another tidbit. Billboard.com weighed in with the following headline: "Scorpions Forsee [sic] Fantastic Future Following Farewell." What's with all the "F" alliteration? Was the writer really bummed that he didn't think of that in time for the Foo Fighters hiatus a few months back? The headline isn't even accurate — the drummer has a side band, one guitarist has a musical-instruments store, and the other guitarist is writing a book. Hardly a fantastic future, if you ask me, or anyone else who isn't a hand-jobbing Billboard journalist or one of the band members' moms. They should have gone with "Scorpions Surmise Sufficient Subsistence Subsequent to Split."
Few foresee a fantastic future for AEROSMITH, whose recent break-up scare has disintegrated into pure turmoil. Steven Tyler is in rehab after finally admitting to being addicted to painkillers, and the rest of the band are reported to be auditioning new singers. That, of course, has Tyler's management in legal tizzy. Tyler himself is just in a regular tizzy — he was spotted in a Southern California Home Depot, where he hijacked the PA system, inhaled some helium, and sang some high-pitched karaoke. This would be an amusing antic if he were 40 years younger and not famous.
Meanwhile, there's been a lot of buzz about the search for a replacement singer. Paul Rodgers and Lenny Kravitz have been mentioned, but most delightful among the rumors is that Billy Idol — Billy Idol! — is a contender. Recent reports indicate that Billy caught a cold and missed his meeting with Joe Perry, but here's hoping he gets another shot. I'd be tickled to hear him singing Aerosmith songs — or, better, Aerosmith backing Billy Idol songs.
Actually, Aerosmith should hire him, adopt an all-Billy set list, and change the band's name to "Billy Idol."
I believe I've mentioned that, every three years or so, I make an attempt to like OASIS. It never works, but continuing coverage of their break-up — Liam's gonna release something within the year and Noel's just announced his first solo shows — have inspired another round. I've just pirat — er, bought — all their records for one last spin. I'm not sure why I do this to myself. Maybe it's because they seem too huge and hilarious to dislike forever. Or maybe it's some kind of sublimated masochism. I'll let you know how my listening turns out — unless I actually start liking Oasis, in which case I'll be too ashamed to write anything ever again.
DAVID THORPE | firstname.lastname@example.org